6 Venmo Requests to Send a Guy After a First Date
Amount: $40 Message: "Marketing fees associated with me blogging about this date." Rationale: He’s a weirdo, and weirdos need to be blogged about.
Tag: Money
It Must Be Nice Having the Job Security That Comes With Acting
Compared to investment banking, my colleagues tell me acting is almost completely recession-proof. People will buy tickets to shows even if they don't have the money to buy them!
Hey Brother, Can You Spare a Billion?
Dear Mr. Trump: Years after that encounter outside Trump Tower years ago, you're now the most powerful man in the world, and I'm sitting in the same spot in my urine-soaked pants.
5 Gift Returns That Protest My Gift-Giver’s Worldview But Do Not Reflect My Enjoyment of Their Present
My uncle's Osprey Xenith 105 backpack would've been perfect, if only he hadn't decided to post "We should nuke the entire middel east!!!!" on Facebook.
The Annoying Realities of Being Robbed
However it plays out, someone will target you, steal from you, and leave you angrier than you’ve ever felt in your life.
The 9 Worst German Beers, Tested
Germany has some of the best damn beers in the world. And unfortunately I'm not drinking any of them, because I can't afford too.
I’m a Republican and I Care About You
I used to be selfish and unconcerned with the plight of the unfortunate; that was back when I was a floppy-fingered liberal trying to "fight the power."
The Good Life with My Rich Wife
Janine, love of my life, woman of my dreams, hired a ball grabber for me. I didn't even know those women existed until I met her.
How to Get Your Friends to Come to Your Poetry Reading
Poetry is a tough sell, especially when it involves making people listen to it out loud at length. Here's how to sell the concept to friends.
Forgetting Your Password: The Five Stages of Grief
There's no way I entered this incorrectly; I watched myself do it the right way ten times now. Why would I get my password wrong? It's MY password.
7 of the Most Stupidly Expensive, Recently Sold Items on eBay
Ebay's most useful feature, outside of actually buying and selling things, is the "highest first" price filter for item searches. Welcome to the lifestyles of the rich and dumb.
My Good-For-Nothin’ Uncle Bequeathed Me a Million Dollars, You Jerks!
Why squander this opportunity to be a real life millionaire; a king of kings! And I'll take a big, steaming dump on top of my empty-headed uncle's grave while I'm at it.