An Open Letter to Whomever is Opening My Letters
Who the heck owns a letter opener anymore? I’ll tell you who: people like me, looking for socially acceptable ways to always have a knife nearby.
Tag: Murder
This Whole Flood Thing Sounds Pretty Bogus
It rains all the time and sometimes floods, but it’s never awful, so it wouldn’t surprise me if our Heavenly Father said this purely to make a fuss.
Jack-o’-Lantern Designs That Say “We’re Filing for Divorce”
A Jack-o'-Polyamory-Pamphlets: Nothing says, "we’re leaving each other," like joining separate sex cults.
Humiliating: When Asked What I Wanted for My Last Meal, I Panicked and Said “Yo-Yo’s”
I thought that I was the king of murders that helped me achieve a sense of fulfillment, but it turns out I’m actually the king of awkward.
Becca’s Baking Blog: This Banana Bread Will Fuck Your Shit Up
And before you ask, you disgusting skid mark, yes, we’re sifting our dry ingredients before combining. We weren’t raised by fucking mole people.
Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum, Will You Give My “Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt” Spec a Read?
You’re talking to the guy who read a few passages from Aristotle’s “Poetics,” but also read the Wikipedia summary several times.
There’s Nothing Quite Like Traveling Abroad and Soaking In All the Rich, Authentic Poverty
My wife and I love experiencing the unfamiliar, like state-sanctioned killings, nationwide poverty, or kooky cheeses.
Shakespeare’s Plays: Abridged Millennial Editions
Hamlet: Literally The Lion King without any of the lions, any of Africa, any majestic rock, or any Nathan Lane.
In Conclusion: Aliens Not Only Built The Pyramids, But They Also Committed That Murder I’ve Been Accused Of
And sure, the judge may say this is all “outside the scope of the trial”---but who are you gonna listen to? Me, or this fuckin' alien judge?
When is the Best Time to Visit New York?
There are three distinct rivers in New York summers: the Hudson, the East, and the one continuously flowing down into your ass crack.
When Dog God Spoke to Moses, A Neighborhood Pug
If I get cream cheese on my nose, don’t dare lick it off, for The Lord Your Dog is a jealous Dog when cream cheese is nigh, and whipped cream too.
Mickey Mouse: I’m Sorry I Hit and Killed Goofy with My Car, My Bad
Mickey, it might be the time to dust off those wizard skills and bring your friend back to life.