Did I Tell You I Take Cold Showers Now?
My god, are my mornings agonizing! But it’s all worth it. The ice shards in the body wash act as an exfoliant and all day long my skin radiates.
Tag: Neighbors
Our Neighborhood Watch Is Just a Guy Holding a Plastic Bag Watching Women Parallel Park
We dispatch a man with a plastic bag (full of loose Arizona iced teas) to stare at her so hard she gets the dry sweats.
Thoughts from My Yearly Run
I’m not stalling, I swear, I just need to Google best-stretches-running-question-mark.
A Week of Announcements from the Town Crier Who Just Moved to Your Neighborhood
'Tis a noble tradition, even though I could just as easily say all this to that carrier pigeon X, formerly known as Twitter.
Yes, I Like Swamps. No, I Am Not a “Swamp Thing”
Last I checked, relaxing in swamps was not against the HOA bylaws.
Announcing the Death of Larry Smith, Beloved Dentist, Community Member, Lawn Mower Thief
Larry took long walks where he bore a smug, knowing smile as he passed this editor’s house and looked upon the decrepit, unkempt lawn.
Introducing the Blowharder: the Loudest, Biggest, Baddest, Most Polluting Leaf Blower Ever Made!
Get a jump on fall by stripping the leaves off trees in August. Dry your car in nanoseconds. Demolish political lawn signs from hundreds of yards away.
I Know Times Are Tough, So I’m Generously Reducing the Rent for the Crawlspace Under My House
Ope, watch your head there. Cam likes to go in feet-first, but I prefer lying on my side and sliding in with my hands like a walrus.
You Gotta Dance like Nobody’s Watching from the Narrow Slits of the Closet Door
Recite a mantra of personal affirmation loudly so that if someone were in the linen closet, they could hear you, but they’re not, so don’t worry.
My Family Is Going to Be So Surprised When I Jump Out of This Paper Refuse Bag Today, Yard Waste Collection Day
If I were a guessing man, I'd guess I was in the back of an actual garbage truck.
What I Won’t Be Doing During My Daylight Savings Bonus Hour This Year
- Pulling on a hoodie and sneaking over to my neighbors’ garage. - Groping around in the dark where they stack their old paint cans.
My Apartment Is Infested with Cockroaches—Here’s Why It’s My Neighbors’ Fault
My extensive preventative measures haven't stopped them from sneaking into my bed while I’m trying to eat my cheese and crackers in peace.