New Year’s Retribution
Go ahead, make all the New Year's Resolutions you want. In the end you'll just be punished for aiming too high anyway.
Tag: New Years
Poorly Timed Topical Jokes About Christmas Shopping and New Year’s Eve
The days leading up to the 25th provide an eclectic mix of Christmas music and Marilyn Manson's latest hit: "I want to cut off your skin and wear it like a jacket."
An Unoriginal New Year’s Resolution Thing
Going to the gym and eating healthy may sound nice in theory, but years of probability show that drinking more is 8 billion times more likely.
New Year’s Resolutions, or How to Improve Upon Perfection
What a better year 2005 might be if only you could stop listening to Dashboard and John Mayer and save all your pseudo-whipped friends.
New Year’s Revolutions
New Year's Revolutions
And a Happy New Year
And a Happy New Year
New Year’s Revolutions
Even if you are a hero bachelor, not everything revolves around you. Save yourself the trouble and put the suit away every now and then.
The Obligatory New Year’s List
<a href="http://www.newyearfavors.com/image/products/88229-50_250.jpg"><img style="float:right;width:200px;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="http://www.newyearfavors.com/image/products/88229-50_250.jpg" border="0" /></a>To paraphrase Forrest Gump, for no particular reason, I am taking this opportunity to let y’all in on my top ten favorite things about New Year’s Day and it’s even more popular predecessor, Eve. With ideas this original, it’s a wonder David Letterman hasn’t called and asked me to revamp the entire Late Show.<br /><br />Onto the list.<br /><br /><strong>Number 10</strong><br />This is one of the few days of the year when throwing up is actually encouraged, hangovers are expected and strangers kiss me. Honestly, I wish we could celebrate every week this way.<br /><br /><strong>Number 9</strong><br />Fireworks, fireworks, fireworks. Man, I love blowing stuff up.<br /><br /><strong>Number 8</strong><br />As we all know, I’m a huge fan of lists. Nothing inspires lists like the end of the year. (By the way, look for PIC staffer, Chad Chamley, to write an end of the year list that breaks the five thousand word mark. And you think I’m joking.)<br /><br /><strong>Number 7</strong><br />Slumping down on the couch, surrounded by potato chip bags, beer cans and pizza boxes, all while watching a steady stream of college football games. To quote my buddy Rick, “I mean, could you actually get more American without shooting a terrorist?” Answer: of course not.<br /><br /><strong>Number 6<br /></strong>The feeling I get when I break that first New Year’s resolution, typically around 7 PM on New Year’s day. I don’t know how to describe it, but it’s kind of like a cross between getting new socks and enjoying a well cooked meal.<br /><br /><strong>Number 5</strong><br />All the bad jokes like, “You haven’t bought me one drink this year” or “Man, I haven’t gotten laid all year.” Not only are these jokes trite and boring, but, like all timeless classics, they never get old.<br /><br /><strong>Number 4</strong><br />Cheese on crackers. It’s not a new year until someone gives me a hunk of cheese on a cracker. If there’s an olive involved, well, all the better.<br /><br /><strong>Number 3</strong><br />This is the year I’ll finally meet Lulu and her boobage. Don’t hate me. I’d rather be lucky than good any day. We’ll get through this together. I promise.<br /><br /><strong>Number 2</strong><br />Yet another excuse to consume champagne. In case you were wondering, there are only four occasions when it is proper to consume champagne: a marriage, a new year, a divorce, or a Formula 1 race. I don’t make these rules up. I just live them and convey them.<br /><br /><strong>Number 1<br /></strong>Enjoying the obligatory cup of pig blood with the pagan elders… I mean, noisemakers. That’s it. I love noisemakers. But who doesn’t, right?<br /><br />Right?