30-Point NYC Subway Improvement Plan
As part of white collar drug treatment program, baristas serve liquid methadone lattes on G train. Every other Thursday, system-wide Backwards Day.
Tag: New York
Barron Trump’s Letter to Santa
Hey Santa, could you spend a little time with me this year after coming down the chimney? You know, discuss Bitcoin valuations and eat some cookies.
Confessions of a Potted Plant in Love with Harvey Weinstein
As a plant, it was one thing to have a guy like Harvey Weinstein brush up against you. But to finish himself off inside you?
Dear Ghost Girl Haunting My Apartment: You’re Starting to Become a Financial Burden
It's not that I don't think you're scary. But this is NYC, and I really need to get a roommate listed on this lease or else I'll have to move back to Ohio with my parents.
It Is With a Heavy Heart and Definitely Not Under Legal Pressure That I am Closing My Billy Joel Themed Strip Club
Six weeks ago, when I opened my strip club Scenes From an Italian Breastaurant, I thought the sky was the limit. Sadly, reality caught up with us.
Top 5 Books to Pretend You’ve Read
Minimal effort to appear as smart as possible to your coworkers, fellow cigarette smokers at a party, parents, and strangers’ cats.
Apology Perks for Tourists Visiting New York During Trump’s Presidency
In an effort to atone for the most powerfully embarrassing New Yorker on the planet, New Yorkers are now offering insanely generous perks to tourists visiting this summer.
“Do You Have Condoms?”
Did I hear her correctly? There's no way she just asked me if I have condoms on a first Tinder date, right? Could it possibly be going this well?
Monologue: Why You Should Join This Packed Subway Car
Come, ye lost soul. If you keep yelling for us to “Move in,” I'm positive a black hole will spontaneously erupt right above our heads.
I’ll Never Forget You or Your Wild Accusations, But I’m Still Moving Out
What juvenile fun we had competing for the same man's attention while he was my boyfriend. A game of cat and mouse indeed, as you called it.
Studies Show the Bearded Guy with Moleskin on the F Train is In Fact a Douchebag
Studies confirm that bearded guy in flannel, intently scribbling unintelligible poetry on the subway, has a 100% percent chance of being a complete d-bag.
My High School Book Report on New York City (Rough Draft)
New York City played a significant role in the Civil War. The Underground Railroad, AKA the NYC Subway System, had many stops in the city.