Dear X Games, Allow Me to Injure Myself for You
Here's the problem with your skateboarders: they make it look too easy. Let me attempt to skateboard and faceplant all over the place, for the ratings.
Tag: Observations
Why My Tennis Instructor Abandoned Me
Sometimes two people stop talking to each other, and there isn't even a big argument at the end. They just avoid each other, forever.
Dear God, I’m Not Going to Kiss Your Ass in this Letter
Although You and your Son continue to get rave reviews, you're nothing but a supernatural dog and pony show. A metaphysical scam of Biblical proportions.
No Surprise, You Just Screwed Up Your Starbucks Order Again
Crap! Crap! Crap! Brain, you idiot, what did you just do? You don't want soymilk. Why did you say that? Ok, you can fix this, THINK...
Look, You’re Pivoting on My Narrative
It's as if to be part of the intelligentsia you have to say "look" before making your point. Look at what? Look where? You're a jerk.
What’s With All the Junkies on Children’s Bikes?
Has anyone else noticed the new phenomenon of junkies on bikes? Usually children's bicycles that no one over age 12 could be comfortably riding.
The Beauty of Bad Breath
You've discovered it's not so unpleasant and disturbing to wake up in the middle of the night with last night's dinner still percolating in your mouth.
To Be Published Upon Gene Shalit’s Passing
The esteemed critic consistently sported a trademark Shalitfro/moustache/spectacles combo, and was a staple figure on the TODAY show.
A Very Professional Wine Critique
When tasting a wine, I like to start three feet away from the wine glass and write down my first impressions from my eyes and beloved, all-telling nose.
Sleep Apnea: The Art of Choking on Your Own Throat
If I'm prescribed a sleep apnea mask, maybe I'll be able to get through my day without 7 cups of coffee. 7 cups is a normal amount, right?
Exactly How “Sincerely” Did You Mean in Your Email?
With so many email sign-offs to choose from, none of which bear any relation to the way you talk in real life, even to ladybirds and Mormons, which should you opt for?
The National Burger Ban
"Eating an occasional value meal is fine, but super-sizing it simply puts you and others in danger," a Big Mac spokesman elaborated.