Every Rollercoaster Line is Lying to You
The designers of rollercoaster lines want you to be goal-oriented, but they don't want that goal to be getting to the ride, just getting to new parts of the line.
Tag: Observations
Drunk Playlist Generator (Just Add Vodka)
I've configured my playlist according to wordplay generated from wildly-named music artists, creating one continuous musical mash-up matrix. Just add more vodka.
What If… Whatever
What if tomorrow you woke up and were a bear? Would you go in the woods? If you did, what if nobody was happy about it? What if you didn’t care?
Is Your Chicken Tired?
“You should always let your meat rest after it’s been cooked," they say. Does the chicken really need to rest after two hours of inactivity? Isn’t being dead rest enough?
The Cunt of Celebrity
It’s difficult to argue a case for celebrities: why we need them, what good they do, and why we shouldn’t rummage through their bins and sniff their dirty underwear.
29 and Dying
Birthdays used to be milestones I looked forward to; now they’re just reminders of everything I haven’t accomplished, even though I’m 1/3 of the way dead.
I’ll (Probably) Never Be a Professional Wrestler
When I was 14, I WAS a wrestling superstar. I was “Blade” in my own wrestling federation, FWC. But I'm 27 now, and let's face it, I'll probably never wear a gold belt.
There is Life After Golf, Tiger Woods
Everybody breaks down eventually, Tiger. Welcome to life as most of us know it: strugglers, not great at what we do, practicers but not masters.
Why I Have an American Man Crush on Canada
Canada's main exports are wind, geese who shit constantly but only on golf courses, and overly-polite white people. Their main imports are American tourist gamblers.
#Hashtags Are Where It’s @
The @ and # symbols should find another world to confuse. Tweet about this and include #everybody @ planet Earth. You will get retweeted. But don’t expect any Likes.
Bewildering Test Questions Designed to Assess Personal Growth at Every Phase of Life
Test questions for every age group, starting with ones like, "If you were going to get eaten by an animal, which animal would you want to get eaten by? Explain."
Calling All Game Changers
Game changing is the in-vogue phrase to use to sound "with it," to describe something that, whether a game changer or not, gets labeled a game changer.