Why the Beach Blows
You step into the ocean and wonder what insensitive, sociopathic creatures are swimming around your feet. They can all do you harm, and they probably will.
Tag: Observations
The Unavoidable Sexual Plight of Man: Would I Bang Her?
Anytime a man gets a good look at a woman he's never seen before, there is an involuntary question he is forced to ask himself: Would I bang her?
How Bad is the Entourage Movie? THIIIIIS BAD
Entourage movie is so bad, it makes Citizen Kane look like a much better Citizen Kane. I can only hope this isn’t what entertainment has become.
Reaffirming My Faith in Humanity
Sometimes I wonder why people could be so depressed. The world we live in is so amazing and beautiful, and we should all be thankful that we're in it.
The SNL and Game of Thrones Controversies are Sucking the Life Out of TV
The problem with these controversies is that eventually everything will be played safe, no boundaries will be pushed, and old models that previously worked will be rehashed.
Infrequently Answered Questions
Why do you cry? Because your eyes are still constantly producing tears after that one guy you met as a freshman in college.
When You Regret 95% of Everything You Have Ever Said
I don’t know why I'm so plagued by regrets from my vocal history. It seems dreadfully unfair, and I'm not sure what I've done to deserve these demons.
Will Your Death Amount to a Joke?
Native Americans believe we have two spirits inside of the same body. Which may explain why my Aunt Carol was such indecisive old bitch.
Every Rollercoaster Line is Lying to You
The designers of rollercoaster lines want you to be goal-oriented, but they don't want that goal to be getting to the ride, just getting to new parts of the line.
Drunk Playlist Generator (Just Add Vodka)
I've configured my playlist according to wordplay generated from wildly-named music artists, creating one continuous musical mash-up matrix. Just add more vodka.
What If… Whatever
What if tomorrow you woke up and were a bear? Would you go in the woods? If you did, what if nobody was happy about it? What if you didn’t care?
Is Your Chicken Tired?
“You should always let your meat rest after it’s been cooked," they say. Does the chicken really need to rest after two hours of inactivity? Isn’t being dead rest enough?