The Cunt of Celebrity
It’s difficult to argue a case for celebrities: why we need them, what good they do, and why we shouldn’t rummage through their bins and sniff their dirty underwear.
Tag: Observations
29 and Dying
Birthdays used to be milestones I looked forward to; now they’re just reminders of everything I haven’t accomplished, even though I’m 1/3 of the way dead.
I’ll (Probably) Never Be a Professional Wrestler
When I was 14, I WAS a wrestling superstar. I was “Blade” in my own wrestling federation, FWC. But I'm 27 now, and let's face it, I'll probably never wear a gold belt.
There is Life After Golf, Tiger Woods
Everybody breaks down eventually, Tiger. Welcome to life as most of us know it: strugglers, not great at what we do, practicers but not masters.
Why I Have an American Man Crush on Canada
Canada's main exports are wind, geese who shit constantly but only on golf courses, and overly-polite white people. Their main imports are American tourist gamblers.
#Hashtags Are Where It’s @
The @ and # symbols should find another world to confuse. Tweet about this and include #everybody @ planet Earth. You will get retweeted. But don’t expect any Likes.
Bewildering Test Questions Designed to Assess Personal Growth at Every Phase of Life
Test questions for every age group, starting with ones like, "If you were going to get eaten by an animal, which animal would you want to get eaten by? Explain."
Calling All Game Changers
Game changing is the in-vogue phrase to use to sound "with it," to describe something that, whether a game changer or not, gets labeled a game changer.
Why Politicians Will Never Get Any Better
Politicians don’t seem like real people, but the terrifying thing is, they are. They’re not the best we’ve got, but they’re the best we’re ever going to get.
An Open Letter to the Kid Who Wears a John Belushi “College” Sweatshirt on the First Day of Classes
We all know that the DVD copy of Animal House that you brought to college was given to you as a present by your younger sister the day before you left.
The Religious Dream Team Starting Lineup
Like the 1992 Men's Olympic Basketball Team, if we take the best parts of every religion to form one "Dream Team Religion," I'd actually consider being a part of that.
How Chocolate Cake in Las Vegas Sentenced a Man to Death
When you are fat, death is your closest friend. This week I battled my fat phobias while in Las Vegas, where I ate the biggest, most decadent piece of cake imaginable.