It’s Monday, And I Want to Fire a Harpoon Gun at Anyone Who’s Chipper
It's Monday, and I've created a game where you put some humility into hyperbole and tell people how Mondays really make you feel.
Tag: Observations
Figuring Out the Origin of the Universe is a Waste of Time and Space
I have no idea whether the big bang theory is valid, I just don't think it matters, other than as a good excuse to not do work.
I Shop at Target for the Hot Moms
Walmart has better prices and Kohl's has better selection, but Target has way hotter moms. And it might be part of a flawless marketing strategy to attract men.
No, Really, This is Fate We’ve Been on the Same Subway Before
You remember me, right? We made eye contact on the G train two months ago. I was wearing my somewhat-ironic DARE shirt. No bells ringing?
Attention Teenage Terrorists: 72 Virgins are Wildly Overrated
Our Protestant mindset is so obfuscated by other fundamentalisms that we don't see the obvious: we have to show these Muslim teens that virginity is overrated.
An Open Letter to My OkCupid Stalker
Remember me? I don't want to brag, but you checked out my OkCupid profile every day for months before finally messaging me with "wink…wink… what’s your bra size."
Hey You, Give Me a Job
I deserve a job. I'll take literally any job. Although I might be abusing the already abused word "literally" there, because what I mean is "not just ANY job."
The Bae Drinking Game
If anyone plays the song "Come Get it Bae" by Pharrell, feel free to finish a beer, finish another, and then take a shot of vodka. Now you're really cookin!!
The Importance of Laughing Matters
Laughter is no laughing matter, it's an important part of everyone's lives. Can you remember the last time you laughed? What caused you to laugh?
The Volcano That LSD Built
After a 20-hour plus binge of cocaine, MDMA, and nitrous, I took a drop of acid. And right there and then I decided that I would build an active volcano on the British Isle.
Why You Have a Hard-On for Fantasy Football
The combination of instant gratification and illusion of power is what makes Fantasy Football the cyber-Viagra that it is. You are the coach, the GM, and the cheerleader.
Goodbye Old Friend: An Open Letter to Khaki Shorts
From wedding rehearsals, to cookouts, to sporting events, you've clothed my legs creaseless and made me appear super-intelligent. But now your time is over.