Turning 18 for Dummies
Let’s get something straight: getting old is awful. Just ask the countless women using skin care products or men harvesting the souls of children so that they can live forever.
Tag: Observations
Fear the Squatty Potty
For those of you who have never been to Asia, I will provide a brief description of what an Eastern-style toilet looks like, as well as how to use one.
2012 Superhero Performance Review
No matter how important or powerful you are, everyone always ends up answering to someone. Superheroes are no exception, so I've taken it upon myself to judge them.
The Great Wall of Misunderstanding
We Indians, who didn't know what table manners meant until the advent of the 21st century, are flabbergasted every time we see a Chinese guy eating with chopsticks.
Your Son Deserves a Better Name
There's an epidemic going around: parents think they can name their boys any shitty ambiguously-gendered thing they want just because they made them.
The Coefficient of Friction of Pete Sampras on Tennis
Pre-Sampras, it was the norm for a tennis star to look about as masculine as the Dutch Boy. Post-Sampras, it became okay to be as hairy as an Italian truck driver.
How to Fix Everything Wrong with Our Public Restrooms
I walk into a bathroom and I don't know if I should pull, push, pump, squeeze, crank, press, lift, tap, turn, spin—it's a goddamn guessing game! Here's the solution.
Stent Removal: The Worst Pain Your Penis Will Ever Endure
The average male has no idea that a stent removal will be the most painful, emotionally scarring experience in their life. All the best to you and your penis, sir.
Problems I Should Fix Before She Has Our Baby
You know what? I'm terrified of babies. To me, babies are like grenades: I appreciate grenades, I love grenades…but I'm a little nervous around them.
The Runback: Week 1 NFL Recap for the Mildly Invested
Week one began over a week ago, and ended the other night. The NFL sure knows how to make money. Here's the high-breadth, low-depth analysis, in succinctly verbose format.
Fuck You, Draw Something
Draw Something is a game in which you compete against your inability to make mental imagery materialize on a touch screen, and try to help friends feel better about their incompetence.
Why You Can’t Handle the Steakhouse Challenge
I'm not talking about some "if you can eat it, it's free" bullshit marketing ploy, I'm talking about the mental transformation any red-blooded American male undergoes in a steakhouse.