Three Shitty Products Masquerading as Food
When I think of food, I don't think of a rectangular chunk that looks like a gargoyle with a square asshole shit it out. Or a meal that looks like a bunch of scabs swimming in a puddle of whale semen.
Tag: Observations
If Your Apartment Lease was Totally Honest
A community fee of $500 is due at the lease signing. This covers use of the STD-filled cesspit we call a pool, rusted out 70's gym equipment, moth-infested laundry center, picnic areas, and other facilities.
Martin Stanley’s State of the Summer Address
I'm back in school. Again. School by the way drives me fucking insane. For instance, who the fuck names these buildings? 'And on the right is the Dennis Anderson Grave Digger Monster Truck Hall.' Oh neato!
The Stages of Facebook Withdrawal
They say the first step to recovery is the admission of a problem. Well here it is, and here I am: I am addicted to Facebook. The following are the insurmountable consequences of trying to quit.
I’d Like to Return This Inflatable Doll, Please
What do you do when your highway porn store inflatable woman won't hold 'her' air any longer? Well, you can clean the dried cum off her face to start with.
You Don’t Have to Be Talented to Write a Novel
I intern at what they call a 'vanity' publishing house, which takes its title quite literally. We’re like that fake music video company that pissed out the auto-tuned disease that is 'Friday.'
Vampire Wingman: His Blood, Your Lust
Some fellows will protest that approaching women with a wingman pretending to be a vampire is the height of indignity, in which case, get over your fucking dignity hangup.
Da Vagina Code
In my women's studies class we studied the peculiar behavior of the dumb cunt. I feel that these women exhibit seemingly innocent behavior that must be decoded to reveal its true intentions.
Fuck the Kids: Confessions of a Crotchety Codger
The world around us is going to shit and yet we choose to ignore the sleeping giant that will one day destroy everything we know and love. I am talking about the young people of today, the Internetters.
Canada: Still a Democracy, Barely
Stephen Harper's majority government has been running Canada for over two weeks now and I’m still using the metric system, so I guess the world didn't really come to an end.
Deciphering Job Rejection Letters
There's a method to reading and understanding all those rejection email and letters from potential employers. Here's what some of the most well-known rejection lines REALLY mean.
A Stripper’s Job Isn’t to Talk About My Life
The gentleman's club stripper will sit next to you and gab like she's actually interested in you. And she won't shut her cock-trap up until you ask for a lap dance.