The Worst Part About Aging is the Awful Birthday Cards
For those of us over 60, cards could say, “Congratulations on outwitting the grim reaper, keep up the good work!”
Tag: Observations
What to Make of America’s 2018 Olympic Men’s Curling Gold?
Facing 20 to 1 underdog odds, the American Men's Curling team somehow took down powerhouses like Canada and Roomba for the gold medal.
Martha Stewart’s Recipe for the Disappointment in All of Us
Hey ya'll, it's me, Martha Stewart, and I'm here to tell you that even you can can succeed in baking this very simple, very disappointing recipe.
Assholes Brace for the Arrival of Self-Driving Cars
The same folks who tailgate, casually cut you off, and pass you on the shoulder now face no longer being able to terrorize fellow drivers.
Atoms are the Worst and I Wish I Wasn’t Made of Them
My problem is atoms. I don't like 'em, I don't wanna have anything to do with 'em, and I definitely don't wanna be made out of them.
I Accept the Apology I Demanded From You
Now you know, you can't just sweep your problems under the rug and hope I don't build them up into metaphors for my failures as a parent.
There is Literally No Caffeine in This Espresso, And I Will Sit Here Shaking Until I Get a Refund
It's an awful feeling, receiving DECAFFEINATED espresso. Unfortunately, the world doesn't give you refunds on your feelings. I would know.
An Open Letter to the Friend Who Merely “Liked” My Happy Birthday Post on Facebook
I thought long and hard about what kind of birthday message to send you. Then I waited for what seemed like decades to receive your reply.
Millennials? Who are You People, Anyway?
What is it that makes your group so intractable, yet everybody wants to talk about you? Why is it so hard to figure out how old you people are?
Pros and Cons of Hiring the Guy Outside the Gas Station Holding the “Will Watch Your Kids for Beaf Jerky” Sign
Just because someone had a tough childhood doesn't mean they can't go on to hold a sign at a gas station and do a stellar job watching your kids. Right?
Quiz: Should You Pretend to Care About the Super Bowl?
The Super Bowl is on the horizon, or so you've been told, and it seems to have importance. Should you sit through this tradition?
The Everyday Life of a Young Male Novelist
Once dressed, I sit at my desk and say a quick prayer to Dionysus. Then I take hold of the mighty pen and let his spirit take hold of my body.