Don’t Get a Job: Commencement Address to the College Graduating Class of 2017
The last thing you want to do is get a job. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty because you are right in your actions to not want to go to work - it sucks.
Tag: Observations
“Compact Car Only” Parking Spaces: The Lies and Deceit
First they came for the handicap spaces. Then they came for the compact car spaces. Then they came for the entire parking lot and I had nowhere left to park.
The Rise of the Coffee Machines
The company manual has everything from an optimistic “Career Progression” to shrug-worthy “Credit Card, Corporate” but nothinganything under “Coffee Machine, Operating Safely.”
The Genderqueer’s Guide to Choosing a Public Restroom
Before you even leave the house, you’ll have to decide which restroom is the bestroom for YOU. These five steps will help you make it all the way to that satisfying crap.
The Internet is a Dangerous Place Full of People More Talented Than You
Lurking behind every YouTube thumbnail is a well-camouflaged bear trap, waiting to violently snap shut on your already fragile sense of self-worth.
I Am Perineum
I am Perineum, collector of moisture and bringer of grief—assailant to love and cunning puppeteer of adolescent boys.
This Article is About Nothing
"How is he going to keep my attention for 815 words?" is what I assume you’re thinking. Luckily for you, I’m just the person who can answer that question.
How Parents Set Babysitters Up for Failure
As a community service, allow me to dive into some hour-by-hour trends I’ve noted on the typical Friday night babysit, with a few tips for dealing with those trends.
How to Tell If Your Undercut is All Right or Alt-Right
Does your new haircut scream stylish or white power? Use this guide to see where you fall on the spectrum from well-meaning hipster to Richard Spencer.
Isn’t It Time Somebody Wrote an UNTHINK Piece?
Many Americans are skeptical of the amount of counterthinking going into fighting the War on Thoughts. #ThoughtWar2017 is occurring on a global level.
A Shit So Big You Need to Call Your Mom
We’ve all been there, sitting on the toilet, ass bleeding, thinking, “Why me? What the hell did I do/eat to deserve this?”
Monologue: Why You Should Join This Packed Subway Car
Come, ye lost soul. If you keep yelling for us to “Move in,” I'm positive a black hole will spontaneously erupt right above our heads.