Take Your Eyes Off Twitter and Do Your Fucking Lifeguarding Job!
A new problem is on the rise in this techie world of ours: lifeguards texting at public pools. Get the hell off your phone and back to your minimum wage toil!
Tag: Observations
The One Way to Guarantee You’ll Get a Job
I'm using the same "expect less" philosophy expressed by golfer Brooks Koepka, who said that it took him so long to win because he was "trying too badly."
Is My Mom Worth a $7 Birthday Card?
I love you, mom. But as I comb through CVS's cards, I wonder: Are you worth the $7 I'm forking out for glitter, cheap puns, and a 12-second clip of "La Bamba"?
Why Won’t My Grandpa Shut Up About Vietnam and Do Something About Global Warming?
Climate change wouldn't be such a big deal, Grandpa, if you'd stop telling me stories about enemy brush fire and start recycling.
Honest “Working From Home Today” Emails
Hey everyone, gonna go heads down on this project from home today. I concentrate a lot better in my apartment since I don't have to do boring things there such as my job.
I Wish Cats Would Get Depressed Like the Rest of Us (Especially Me)
I got a cat to cheer me up, and frankly I've never been more miserable. If only cats got depressed, that sure would brighten up my day.
I Don’t Care About the Size of Your Penis, But I Do Hate You
I know you didn't choose to be so poorly-endowed. But you did choose to be an unbearable asshole, and I want to be clear about my contempt for your very existence.
Not Born on Third Base, But Reached on a Fielder’s Choice
Some people were born on third base and thought they hit a triple. Other people, who thought they hit a triple, were born on first base. Consider how you got here in life.
Don’t Get a Job: Commencement Address to the College Graduating Class of 2017
The last thing you want to do is get a job. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty because you are right in your actions to not want to go to work - it sucks.
“Compact Car Only” Parking Spaces: The Lies and Deceit
First they came for the handicap spaces. Then they came for the compact car spaces. Then they came for the entire parking lot and I had nowhere left to park.
The Rise of the Coffee Machines
The company manual has everything from an optimistic “Career Progression” to shrug-worthy “Credit Card, Corporate” but nothinganything under “Coffee Machine, Operating Safely.”
The Genderqueer’s Guide to Choosing a Public Restroom
Before you even leave the house, you’ll have to decide which restroom is the bestroom for YOU. These five steps will help you make it all the way to that satisfying crap.