Parents, Unfortunately We Are Disbanding Our School’s Curling Team
Mr. Jensen has not won eight gold medals in curling. In fact, it’s unclear whether or not Mr. Jensen has even seen curling before.
Tag: Olympics
Simon Says for Games of the XXXII Olympiad
Simon says put your hands on your hips if you didn’t realize this year’s summer games were not actually called the 2021 Olympics.
10 Ways My New Relationship Is Nothing Like the Ryan Lochte Gas Station Scandal of the 2016 Rio De Janeiro Olympics
I’ve never lied about being robbed at gunpoint to avoid admitting to pissing in some bushes outside of a western Rio de Janeiro gas station.
2020 Onboarding 2021
“Yo! You must be the new year!?” said 2020, seeming to come out of nowhere. “Welcome to Calendar Corp."
Places You’ll Be While You’re Thinking About The New York Times’ “52 Places to Go in 2020” List
While Thinking About: The tropical rainforest of Rhukanrhuka, Bolivia. You'll Be: Swearing at the deli rat that scampered off with your last Funyun.
Impostor Syndrome at the Space Olympics
You are supposed to be here no matter what the Space Squids wrote on your locker in 4-dimensional ink that you had to get a Helper-Droid to translate.
Sports Quotes Informed by Political Philosophy
"That ball was on the line! And the whole question of borders comes from an outmoded hermeneutic treating the nation-state as a discreet actor."
4 Times the Winter Olympics Tried to Boost Ratings By Exhuming a Classic Movie Star’s Corpse
Millions tuned in to watch Jimmy Stewart’s body rocket down the mountain, reaching a top speed of 90 MPH and securing the bronze.
When It Comes to Waiting, I’m a Natural
I never look to see if the bus or train is coming. I never push the button more than once on elevators or at crosswalks.
Dennis Rodman Worries His Friends Are Hanging Out Without Him
Honestly? I should get the Peace Prize. I started this friendship, but whatever, no one seems to care and Donny will take credit, yet again.
What to Make of America’s 2018 Olympic Men’s Curling Gold?
Facing 20 to 1 underdog odds, the American Men's Curling team somehow took down powerhouses like Canada and Roomba for the gold medal.
An Olympian’s Guide to Having Sex with Athletes Living Under Various Forms of Government
While having sex with communists, totalitarians, and socialists all in the same place can be exhilarating, it can also be fraught with peril.