Why I, the City of New York, Will Not Be Appearing in the “Sex and the City” Revival
Would you watch a show about a sex columnist in Pocatello? Without me as the backdrop, it’s just white women complaining.
Tag: Open Letters
An Open Letter to the Guy Who Receives Self-Help Tips from the Pornhub Comment Section
We sympathize that you've lost “thousands of comments I need to get through the daily existential dread,” we have a moral obligation to protect our users.
A Letter from Uncle Steve in Hell: It’s Always January
In Hell, it’s always January, filled with dead Christmas trees and hungover souls bearing an extra fifteen post-holiday pounds.
On the Dangerous Rise of Oat Milk, From Almond Milk
I had hoped the craze would die out before needing to call an emergency meeting at the alternative milk headquarters, the Portland Trader Joe's.
Dear Man Sitting Near Me at the Airport Picking His Nose and Eating His Boogers During a Pandemic
Do you really need to pull your neck gaiter down at the JetBlue gate and start spelunking your nostrils right then and there?
In Defense of Gap Years… Unless You Want to Hire Me
A gap year will help to make me the man I want to be. Unless you are planning to hire me, in which case: STOP READING. GIVE ME THE JOB.
A Request from the 9 Tabs You’ve Had Open Since July
We know you opened us with the best of intentions but let’s be honest, if you haven’t read us by now you never will.
Happy New Year from Murder Hornets, LLC!
2020 was one of the most exciting years in hornet history, as we continued our westward expansion into North America.
An Open Letter to the Director of This Year’s Nightmares
Compared to 2020’s real-life plague, threat of fascist coup, and so on, your work has suffered from a lack of terrifying imagination.
An Open Letter to Extroverts from Introverts During This Holiday Season
These last ten months of social distancing, mask-wearing, and air-hugging have to have been especially tough on extroverts.
What to Do if Your Mother Keeps Hinting that You, The One True Begotten Son of God, Should Really Give Her Grandkids Already
Every Chanukah for the past seven years she kept telling you she doesn't want you to buy her anything, with “BUY” and “THING” in air quotes.
Welcome, Santa’s Workshop, to the Amazon Corporate Family
Does this mean Santa's Workshop will close? Santa's Workshop will live on as a digital storefront competing with hundreds of counterfeiters.