We Regret to Inform You That the Acceptance Letter You Received Was Meant for a Different Carl
In our letter describing “a story like a deep gash, revealing what was underneath the skin,” we were referring to the other Carl’s short masterpiece.
Tag: Open Letters
A Correspondence Between an Enterprising Engineer and the Chicago World’s Fair Commission of 1893
I call my contraption "Four Score and Seven Thrills Ago: Honest Abe’s Adventures in American Aviation." I look forward to hearing from you!
We, the Deep State, Concede That All Your Conspiracy Theories Are True
In 1960 at our Annual Goat Blood-A-Palooza & Family Fun Day, we saw a vision of you, the chosen one. We’ve been trying to sabotage you ever since.
An Open Letter from an Unwanted Jar of Vaseline
I feel like you’ve been kind of distant lately. Hanging out with those new fancy ass moisturizers and toners you bought on sale at Sephora.
Your Best Man Will Not Commit to a Peaceful Transfer of Vows
I only had a raging meltdown at the one other wedding ceremony I’ve attended, and that bitch I was marrying totally asked for it (I love my wife).
An Open Letter from a Disgruntled Vampire
There are no dry cleaners open all night in my area, and so I have hundreds of bloody, or just plain smelly, shirts I don't know what to do with.
Memo to Staff: It’s the Apocalypse, But That Doesn’t Mean It’s the End of the World
Tragic for sure. Indeed, many of you have asked what impact the end of the world will have on your 401(k) match.
Letter to Shareholders of MY LIFE, Inc. Regarding Recent Lower-Than-Average Performance
Co-founders, Mom & Pop LLC: You nurtured MY LIFE from wobbly startup to self-sustaining enterprise, and you’ll agree that it has paid dividends.
I’m a Skydiving Instructor and If Anything, My Recurrent Syncope Should Make You More Inclined to Hire Me
The experience of being diagnosed with a serious condition that causes me to pass out a lot has turned me into a natural leader.
I Must Resign After Everyone Saw Me Lose a Game of Tic-Tac-Toe to a Chicken
In retrospect, perhaps I shouldn’t have loudly invited every member of staff to come watch me “roast this bird” at tic-tac-toe.
We Apologize to Campers Who Expected Loons but Got Lions
For example, our description page should have read, “Lull yourself to sleep to the haunting cry of lions echoing across the lake.”
Maybe You Don’t Need Masks After All, By a North American Vulture
Don't forget it's scorching outside—do you really want to inconvenience yourself with a hot face? That's a cruelty no meat should suffer.