A Letter to the School Board of Pastoral County on the Future of Our Schools
I would like the board to be aware and consider the fact that my house is a piece of garbage and I am rotting inside of it.
Tag: Open Letters
An Open Letter of Gratitude to My Anxiety
You make me better. You make me ask the tough questions, like do I have rabies, and is the baby giraffe at the zoo mad at me?
We, Your Parents, Expect the Whole Family Together for the Holidays Despite the Raging Pandemic
We know that you usually visit for 3-5 days, but the safest option is for everyone to stay for the suggested quarantine period of at least two weeks.
An Important Message from Your University President, Who Is Shocked That What Everyone Said Would Happen Is Happening
For starters, many of you have been attending parties. We told you not to do that! We thought you’d listen to us.
An Open Plea from Aloysius Lilius, Inventor of the Gregorian Calendar
Do you want to use the Julian calendar? Because I can make that happen tomorrow. Whenever tomorrow is on that mess.
Plunderstone Capital Is Thrilled to Have Purchased Your Local High School
My role is basically the same as that of a principal except I don’t know how to run a school and I own 15% of its graduates’ earnings in perpetuity.
Help! My Sourdough Starter Became Sentient and Now It Won’t Stop Asking Me to Listen to Jam Bands
When my starter told me it needed a guitar for its new band, a “Wilco meets Steely Dan” vibe, I knew things were about to take a turn for the worse.
Memo to Writers of Ten Commandments from God
"We are an open democracy and welcome 180-degree feedback circle." This is a weak start; we need a strong first point that will set the tone.
Please Don’t Cover Your Abandoned Pandemic Garden During the Frost, We Just Want to Die
In hindsight, you probably should have spent more time tilling the ground than posting seductive selfies in your gardening hat, but that's okay.
We Regret to Inform You That the Acceptance Letter You Received Was Meant for a Different Carl
In our letter describing “a story like a deep gash, revealing what was underneath the skin,” we were referring to the other Carl’s short masterpiece.
A Correspondence Between an Enterprising Engineer and the Chicago World’s Fair Commission of 1893
I call my contraption "Four Score and Seven Thrills Ago: Honest Abe’s Adventures in American Aviation." I look forward to hearing from you!
We, the Deep State, Concede That All Your Conspiracy Theories Are True
In 1960 at our Annual Goat Blood-A-Palooza & Family Fun Day, we saw a vision of you, the chosen one. We’ve been trying to sabotage you ever since.