I’m the Mosquito Bite You Got at That Outdoor Cinema, and if You Scratch Me I Shall Become More Powerful Than You Can Possibly Imagine
Pride leads to compromise. Compromise leads to shorts. Shorts lead to mosquitos. Mosquitos lead to suffering.
Tag: Open Letters
We’re Sorry Our Roombas Are Killing You, But There’s Absolutely Nothing We Can Do
We want to make one thing perfectly clear: We will not be recalling our Roombas no matter how violent they get.
Dear Men Who Have Discovered Parenting Is Hard and Are Being Paid to Write About It
As for the accusations of exploiting your children for money, well, times are tough and you need to provide however you can during this uncertainty.
Dear Faculty, Seeking Volunteers for Tribute
Should you fall ill, the university has shored up our reserve of adjuncts. They will easily be able to take on your classes in an emergency.
“Go Ahead and Delete Facebook, But Good Luck Remembering When Your High School Bully’s Birthday Is” by Mark Zuckerberg
Facebook was started so I could have a way to stroke my wires to pics of humanoid-looking girls way out of my league—but don't tell Congress that!
I, The Sponge You’ve Had for Five Years, Am Officially Resigning
My figure has been reduced to that of a motel pillow and my once royal blue color has deteriorated to a baby blue at best.
Relax, I Was Only Hospitalized Because My Bookie’s Hired Goon Shot Me Three Times
I was not leaving my house, both to avoid getting infected with COVID-19 and to avoid running into Joey “Iron Fists” Cachatolli.
An Open Letter from a Hand Who Misses Touching the Face
And you want us to report any symptoms of the coronavirus. But, if I can’t touch the forehead, how can I check for a fever?
Due to the Pandemic, Our Hook-Handed Killers Will Now Be Terrorizing Teens Remotely
We will no longer attend and slaughter gatherings of more than 500 people. We will be sanitizing our hooks daily, and of course after each murder.
It’s Me, the Intern from Two Years Ago, Totally Not Begging for a Job
How are you? How's the company? I'm asking not because I care, but because I want to ensure that you still work here. You're my most valuable contact.
Listen Up, Peons: A Statement from the Queen
It is true that I carry a mobile phone, which I use to stay in touch with my grandchildren. It is not true that I use it to play Candy Crush.
An Open Letter to the CDC about the Coronavirus Which Is Spreading in My Office, I’m Just Sure of It
He says he got a "nasty case of sunburn" from his "trip to Hawaii," but I'm no idiot. I can tell that he too is suffering from coronavirus