Open Letters | Page 14 | Points in Case

Tag: Open Letters

Subsequent to receiving this letter, you will hear ABBA songs inside your head everywhere you go, no matter what you happen to be doing.

Maybe you thought being stinky was intentional on my part, like I decided my “gimmick” is that I’m the bank robber who stinks?

I plan to hit the ground running, and then run some more, and then more, then hit a wall, and then puke on your open laptop.

Due to a disputed public executioner election, political lawn signs are no longer permitted. No decorative flamingos, gnomes, or heads on pikes.

As a proud deciduous piece of American timber, I now see it as my obligation to throw my hat in the ring or, more accurately, my rings in the ring.

But resistance must not be allowed to harden into its own brand of oppression—which That Jerk sitting in my chair is already exploiting.

I eat at dawn. As soon as the sun's crescent pierces the horizon I will eat my dog chow. Or else I will go ape shit.

I've been accused of only looking out for the owners, which is patently false. The products—I mean players!—are my absolute top priority

Since I showed up, did I bother you? Now suddenly, because you look into a magnifying mirror for the first time in months, I'm a problem?

Pride leads to compromise. Compromise leads to shorts. Shorts lead to mosquitos. Mosquitos lead to suffering.

We want to make one thing perfectly clear: We will not be recalling our Roombas no matter how violent they get.

As for the accusations of exploiting your children for money, well, times are tough and you need to provide however you can during this uncertainty.