Dear Families That Share Holiday Letters
I noticed that you already posted those vacation photos online, but the evidence of just how wealthy your family is magneted to my fridge is a treat!
Tag: Open Letters
Open Letter from the Fake Socially Conscious Advertiser
I think you are so unintelligent that I can change your opinion on something like a fannypack by creating a commercial that depicts trendy values.
Bill Gates, I Implore You to Connect the Dots and Give Me a Couple Billion
Despite being “Employee of the Month” at the Chili’s I work at, this pales in comparison to the abysmal feeling of not being a billionaire.
Dear Wikipedia Readers, We’ll Get Right to It: We Need Your Money
That should say “eight million." I guess you could pay somebody to fix it or—wait, we do that for free, all for the cost of a cup of coffee, don’t we?
I Am Leaving My Job to Become a Cowboy Following the Success of My Halloween Costume
If you want a salesman who spends all day practicing spitting into a spittoon so it makes a "ping" noise, I’m your guy.
West 56th Street Daycare & Nursery School: Admissions Intro and Course Catalog
So long as your child has no criminal convictions and a clean employment record, he should have no trouble obtaining the ranking of “Top Secret.”
A Letter to the Four Jars of Moldy Salsa Found at the Back of My Fridge
I hope that you will find comfort that while you are headed to the great serving bowl in the sky, your work on Earth will not be forgotten.
An Open Letter to the Guy in the Subway Playing the “Rocky” Theme on the Melodica as I Carried Two Bags of Groceries
One minute I was thinking, did I need to buy a bag of tangelos? But the next minute I was hearing the uplifting strains of your enchanting song.
An Apology for Not Drinking at the Party Last Night
Waking up this morning without a hangover was a total bummer, and I fully regret making a conscious decision to do so.
Dear Valued Offspring, Before You Leave for College, Please Take a Moment to Fill Out This Customer Satisfaction Survey About Your Upbringing
How would you rate the attitude of our management team? Overall did they seem motivated and alert?
An Open Letter to My Male Colleagues Who Appear to Be Annoyed By My Constant Apologizing
I’m never totally sure what rises to the occasion of repentance, but I get the distinct feeling most things do?
Dear Employees: Please Fill Out Fortune’s “Best Companies to Work For in 2019” Survey, or You Will Be Tossed Into the Fiery Lava Pit
The new Boiling Lava Pit contains molten volcanic lava from the island of Heimaey, because here at DigiTech --- Authenticity Matters ©.