Updated NASCAR Rules Explained
RULE 22.0: Imagine for a moment a model train set circling without purpose—you’re the little plastic conductor.
Tag: Open Letters
I’m Marie Fucking Kondo and You Can Keep All Your Fucking Books, You Ingrates
When I said I personally liked having 30 books in my house, I meant it because that's what I like. It was a fucking suggestion, not a threat.
Elon Musk, I Can Do Your Job!
You're probably wondering, what sort of management skills does this guy have to run Tesla? Rest assured, I'm just like you: all over the place.
A Few Quick Notes About Your Son’s “Tree #2” Role in His 6th Grade Play, From Me, The Lead’s Mother
Diane, your son is an expressionless stump on stage (no pun intended). I can’t stress this enough. He looks like a dead, lifeless boy.
Dear RIAA, Please Require a “Step-Parental Advisory” Sticker on All Late 90’s Nu Metal Albums
I am fairly certain my stepson is going to murder me. These albums have turned what's left of His heart as frosted as the tips of His hair.
Belle’s Breakup Letter to the Beast
I need a strong, carnivorous lover, not a submissive creature of the field.
The LeashFree® Pet Containment System is a Clear Violation of the Geneva Convention, Jeff
Listen to the language, Jeff. “Designated area,” ”gentle correction.” Is this our backyard or is this Auschwitz?
An Open Letter to Whomever is Opening My Letters
Who the heck owns a letter opener anymore? I’ll tell you who: people like me, looking for socially acceptable ways to always have a knife nearby.
I Am a Horse and You Can Totally Put the Cart Before Me If You Want
Although, speaking of our actual bodies, you should absolutely look a gift horse in the mouth. You can tell a horse's age by looking at its teeth.
A Thank You Note From My Ex’s Current Girlfriend
He surprised me with a candle because he said, "I know your love language is 'receiving gifts.'" How did you get him to read "The 5 Love Languages"?!
Colin Kaepernick Would Be a Distraction, So We’ve Signed Donald Trump To Be Our New Quarterback
Luckily, the staff at the White House told us that things actually run a lot better when he’s not around, so they’ve agreed to lend him to us for the next few years.
An Open Letter to the Guy Next to Me Writing an Open Letter to the Smug Barista Who Threw Shade at Me
Yes, honored Seat Neighbor, you have described the whelp's arrogance in a manner both just and poetic. Yes, poetic!