Open Letters | Page 18 | Points in Case

Tag: Open Letters

Re: Truffle Butter. Dear Ms. Maraj et. al, We have looked up what this phrase means on Urban Dictionary, and we do not like it.

If your apology statement ends with a pastry recipe, please expect an automatic rejection. Do not include a recipe for pizza dough cinnamon rolls.

I mean who hasn’t punched their roommate’s mother because Saturn was in Cancer? I'm not sure how else anyone would have expected me to act.

The anecdote of how you got the Sublime sun tattoo on your arm was, well, compelling, but my wife-to-be has never listened to "40 Oz. to Freedom."

Sarah: "I walked into my greenhouse and found a large tank parked on the roof. No light could get in and all my plants died. I lost my business."

I can't marry you into the Dukedom of Wellington: my parents are not the Duke and Duchess of Wellington. They're the Duke and Duchess of Devonshire!

I refuse to ghost on you like your past relationships with Blockbuster and Hollywood Video. But I fear we've reached our final act.

Sometimes, when you brew coffee I get flashbacks of how you’d sit with your feet inside me as you discussed search engine optimization.

Imagine if we depicted all of humanity as tiny, pink, whiners with aggressive tendencies. Your species would not appreciate this behavior.

My son only talks about candy lately, as though there is nothing more to running a business than coming up with colorful and dangerous food for kids.

If infractions occur, whisper “[your name] identifies [target’s name]” within one meter of any Tesla automobile, and it’ll get straightened out.

You head straight to your corner, even though reserving spots isn't allowed, we all know it’s yours since you’re a woman of habit. And we fear you.