Dear Hiring Managers: Please Stop Asking About My Dark Past
You will recall laughing after I cautioned that I had once confessed to a priest only to watch him go straight to hell. I do not recall laughing.
Tag: Open Letters
An Open Letter to My Parents Who are Forcing Me to Be an Amateur Standup Comedian When I Just Want to Work in Human Resources
Even though I am pursuing a stable career in human resources, please remember that I will always be your emotionally underdeveloped and insecure son.
A Young Movie’s Prayer: “Please Let Me Come to a Theater Near You”
Please, please, please, Movie Gods, if you're out there, please let me come to a theater near you. It's all I've wanted since I was a wee script.
To the Oscar Statue That Made Me Deeply Uncomfortable During Guillermo Del Toro’s Acceptance Speech
Dear Statue, I believe unequivocally that you and I now share some cosmic bond after we locked eyes during Del Toro's acceptance speech.
An Ode to the Five Pairs of Shoes Who’ve Been With Me Through Everything
I applaud you, as you were comfortable, people complimented you, and you made me appear like I had my shit together, which I did not.
I Accept the Apology I Demanded From You
Now you know, you can't just sweep your problems under the rug and hope I don't build them up into metaphors for my failures as a parent.
An Open Letter to the Friend Who Merely “Liked” My Happy Birthday Post on Facebook
I thought long and hard about what kind of birthday message to send you. Then I waited for what seemed like decades to receive your reply.
Millennials? Who are You People, Anyway?
What is it that makes your group so intractable, yet everybody wants to talk about you? Why is it so hard to figure out how old you people are?
Tom Brady Reveals His Deepest Regret in a Letter to Coach Belichick
All I ever wanted was to be the fourth son of Mike Brady on that killer 1970's TV show, The Brady Bunch. Instead, my life veered off course.
Attention Parker Valley Middle School: I’m Gonna Be a Skater Now
It is with heavy heart that I, Robby Schwartz, wish to announce that I am no longer a punk rocker. I am now a skater; please accept my decision.
Your Writer’s Block Needs You to Cut the Crap
The Next Great American Novel won’t be written by a 27-year-old with clear braces and a Deathly Hallows tattoo.
A Theater Teacher Who Has Seen Some Shit Emails His Students Before the Big Field Trip
No matter how nicely he asks, Vincent the Vagrant is NOT permitted to bunk with you in your hotel room. He is only looking for loose dice.