This Fearless Cover Letter Almost Got Me Hired By Bill Gates
You know what I see when I look at you, Bill Gates? I see a guy who didn't need Networking Parties to build his empire. I see a guy who looks like me, except a bit toadish.
Tag: Open Letters
An Open Letter to My Neighbors Who Insist on Hanging a Scary Clown Decoration from a Tree Over the Sidewalk Every October
I'm not going to say that the clown is FRIGHTENING, since I'm an adult and being afraid of a Halloween decoration would be silly. But take it down, ok?
It Is With a Heavy Heart and Definitely Not Under Legal Pressure That I am Closing My Billy Joel Themed Strip Club
Six weeks ago, when I opened my strip club Scenes From an Italian Breastaurant, I thought the sky was the limit. Sadly, reality caught up with us.
A Response Letter From Mark Zuckerberg’s Newborn Daughter, August
Hey Dad, I just want to reassure you: I'm not worried about the future. Not even the tiniest amount. Because I'm going to inherit billions of dollars.
A Letter of Recommendation Template for Men Struggling to Date
After I wrote my friend Dave a letter of recommendation, his dating dry spell ended immediately. Now I'm giving you permission to use the same template!
Son, You Should Expect to See Your Grandma Get Hurt Soon
You love your grandparents more than your regular parents, which is why you need to prepare yourself when they break a body part right in front of you.
Welcome to The Wachowski Home for Unremarkable Orphans
At The Wachowski Home, we believe that each of our orphans is generic and unremarkable in their own unoriginal way. Join us for basic living standards and practical preparation.
If I Was as Good at Writing Query Letters as I Am Picking Up Chicks at a Bar
I know you have people knocking down your door to have you read stuff. That's why I propose the opposite: I want to read my book to you. Would you like that, Susan?
This Fidget Spinner is Done With You Calling It a Fad
"It’s just a trend," say the naysayers, "they’ll fade as fast as Pogs." Well let me tell you something you squashers of sunshine: I'm not a goddamn milk cap, I'm the milk.
An Open Letter to a Distracting Member of Our Nudist Colony
Dear Sir, lacking a way to eloquently state my grievance towards you, I will simply come out and say it: your abnormally large penis has made it uncomfortable for everyone here.
Help! I’m Trying to Find a Dubstep Version of the Musical “Wicked,” But Every Time I Google “Wicked Dubstep” I Just Get Really Badass Dubstep
Dear Broadway.com, sorry to bother you, but I’ve got a serious problem. Every time I Google the phrase “Wicked dubstep” I just get a bunch of awesome dubstep songs.
You’re My Boyfriend Now, It’s Squatters Rights
Hey Ted, I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but we are legally in a relationship now, according to my squatters rights as applicable to relationships in the State of California.