Welcome to The Wachowski Home for Unremarkable Orphans
At The Wachowski Home, we believe that each of our orphans is generic and unremarkable in their own unoriginal way. Join us for basic living standards and practical preparation.
Tag: Open Letters
If I Was as Good at Writing Query Letters as I Am Picking Up Chicks at a Bar
I know you have people knocking down your door to have you read stuff. That's why I propose the opposite: I want to read my book to you. Would you like that, Susan?
This Fidget Spinner is Done With You Calling It a Fad
"It’s just a trend," say the naysayers, "they’ll fade as fast as Pogs." Well let me tell you something you squashers of sunshine: I'm not a goddamn milk cap, I'm the milk.
An Open Letter to a Distracting Member of Our Nudist Colony
Dear Sir, lacking a way to eloquently state my grievance towards you, I will simply come out and say it: your abnormally large penis has made it uncomfortable for everyone here.
Help! I’m Trying to Find a Dubstep Version of the Musical “Wicked,” But Every Time I Google “Wicked Dubstep” I Just Get Really Badass Dubstep
Dear Broadway.com, sorry to bother you, but I’ve got a serious problem. Every time I Google the phrase “Wicked dubstep” I just get a bunch of awesome dubstep songs.
You’re My Boyfriend Now, It’s Squatters Rights
Hey Ted, I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but we are legally in a relationship now, according to my squatters rights as applicable to relationships in the State of California.
An Open Letter to White Supremacists from the Dead Jewish Guy in Your Mother’s Grave
In a concerted effort to protect our own from further desecration and prejudice, we secretly replace all Gentile bodies with dead Jews. Standard procedure within the Conspiracy.
Please Stop Making the Ice Age Movies: An Open Letter to the Studio from Scrat
Though I may only be a tiny, saber-tooth squirrel, I beg you, hear my squeaky voice. I am tired and broken, and I miss my family. Don't do this to me again.
Evite to Kim Jong-Un’s Birthday Party
As you guys know, our friend, companion, Supreme Autocrat, and dynamite singer Kim Jong-Un is having a birthday in a few weeks. What are you guys' thoughts on a party?
Monologue: Why You Should Join This Packed Subway Car
Come, ye lost soul. If you keep yelling for us to “Move in,” I'm positive a black hole will spontaneously erupt right above our heads.
An Open Letter to My Niece About Harry Potter, The Boy Who Lived to Kill
While it may not make for polite conversation on Christmas morning, it’s important nonetheless that you understand, Harry Potter is a degenerate psychopath.
There is No Santa: A Retraction to “Yes, Virginia, There is a Santa Claus”
Indeed there is no Santa Claus, and we can definitively say it would be impossible for one man to visit all the children in the world in one night.