Monologue: Why You Should Join This Packed Subway Car
Come, ye lost soul. If you keep yelling for us to “Move in,” I'm positive a black hole will spontaneously erupt right above our heads.
Tag: Open Letters
An Open Letter to My Niece About Harry Potter, The Boy Who Lived to Kill
While it may not make for polite conversation on Christmas morning, it’s important nonetheless that you understand, Harry Potter is a degenerate psychopath.
There is No Santa: A Retraction to “Yes, Virginia, There is a Santa Claus”
Indeed there is no Santa Claus, and we can definitively say it would be impossible for one man to visit all the children in the world in one night.
To My Family: Yes, I’m Donating My Body to the College of Liberal Arts
I don’t need my dead body being jabbed into on a cutting board by doctors. I'd rather help the humanities with their flow of corpses.
Revocation of Parental Rights to Custody of Archival Images and History
Mom, Dad, this is your official notice that you are no longer in charge of my childhood photos and videos. Please turn them over immediately.
Merry Fucking Christmas to All From the Millers!
Another eventful year has passed and the Millers are feeling SO BLESSED despite the fact that we are all agnostics or atheists.
Make America England Again
Independence was cool for a while, but we're young adults now. And what do young adults do these days? They move home to live with their parents!
Casual Letters from Kim Jong Un to the Western World
Comrade General Kok Suk Lee said writing letters is a good idea. Appeal to the capitalist lackeys in their Satanic Homelands, he said. I hope he's right.
Dear X Games, Allow Me to Injure Myself for You
Here's the problem with your skateboarders: they make it look too easy. Let me attempt to skateboard and faceplant all over the place, for the ratings.
Dear God, I’m Not Going to Kiss Your Ass in this Letter
Although You and your Son continue to get rave reviews, you're nothing but a supernatural dog and pony show. A metaphysical scam of Biblical proportions.
An Open Letter to Jay-Z and Beyoncé, My Roommates’ Neglected Cats
At night you claw at my door to let you in, hoping in vain that you might find more affection from me. It's become too much really.
An Open Letter to People Who Do Not Put PowerPoints into Presentation Mode
Are you afraid that some sort of natural disaster will happen if you can’t always see which slide is on deck? What IS IT exactly that you have against presentation mode?