Death Responds to His Performance Review at Thompson and Griffin Funeral Home
It's not that I don't feel valued here, it's just that I want my value to be more externally expressed. I feel this place has gotten more life-affirming over the years.
Tag: Open Letters
An Open Letter to the West Towne Mall Jeweler with the Same Last Name as Me
When I spied your "Frederick Asmus" nametag I nearly dropped my Auntie Anne's Roasted Garlic & Parmesan pretzel out of joy. I knew you would want to hear my story.
A Letter from Your Hangover
I want you to feel me in every inch of your body until you lose all sense of logic, and the usual minutiae of lazy Sundays goes out the window.
Dear Admiral Ackbar, Please Stop Torturing Us with the Trap Joke
Listen Admiral Ackbar, we all agree you're doing a super job as admiral, but we'd appreciate it if you could stop yelling "It's a trap!" for the rest of the hunting trip.
An Open Letter to the Kid Who Wears a John Belushi “College” Sweatshirt on the First Day of Classes
We all know that the DVD copy of Animal House that you brought to college was given to you as a present by your younger sister the day before you left.
An Open Letter from Bill Cosby’s Sweater
I’m here because I also have a relationship with the public, outside of Bill Cosby the human, and I have to ask you all one question: We're still cool, right?
Welcome to the Fleshlight Family!
Thanks to customers like you, we are proving that there is no point in using your hand when you can put your dick directly into a silicone tube.
An Open Letter to My OkCupid Stalker
Remember me? I don't want to brag, but you checked out my OkCupid profile every day for months before finally messaging me with "wink…wink… what’s your bra size."
Goodbye Old Friend: An Open Letter to Khaki Shorts
From wedding rehearsals, to cookouts, to sporting events, you've clothed my legs creaseless and made me appear super-intelligent. But now your time is over.
An Open Letter to Everyone Who Watches Breaking Bad
Unmanned drones are killing innocent humans every day on this planet, but all of that is weak sauce compared to a fictional methamphetamine empire TV show.
An Open Letter to the President Concerning Welfare Reforms
I don't need your commie food charity, Brocko. What am I supposed to do with all this food? I can't pawn the steaks, I already tried that.
An Open Letter to Kristen Stewart
Hey girl, I wanted to sit down and chat over a cup of coffee but for some reason you aren't returning my phone calls. Listen, you cheated. I get it, I understand.