<p>Like most people, I get most of my news from old tabloid magazines that I find in the garbage while looking for food or treasure. Because of this, I am convinced that celebrities live in a glamorous alternate universe that I like to call Tabloidia. It's a world of shocking sex scandals, exposed nipples, and drunken naked chaos.
My initial shock and disbelief quickly dissolved into anger. I knew what I was supposed to do—not litter—but where was the commercial that taught you how to deal with litterers?
Since we're all in this together, I think it's important to look at some of the key issues that are making our time together less enjoyable and work together to fix them.
My name is Copernicus Thunderbird and I'm writing this letter because you are in grave danger. The legions of the Super Astronaut Deathlord are on their way to kill you and rape your wife.
It's difficult to have one more conversation with your lost love. So the only way to give her your last two cents is to write a letter.
Hey, sorry I was a dick when you just wanted some positive feedback. You were candid with me and I didn’t reciprocate. I'm no expert, but here are a few things you should know about stand-up.
Yeah, you—the girl whose picture is plastered all over my yearbook. Just because you’re dead. What makes you think you're so special?
Hello. You may not know me, but I'm a concerned online citizen just like you. Ok fine it’s me, Tom, from MySpace!
When I first met you, you seemed like a normal guy. After 3 weeks, I now know that you may very well be the annoying child of Satan.
Dear Anon, I appreciate your elaborate attempts to comment under multiple personalities in order to drive home your point. Unfortunately, you suck.
Attention all people who have been on or are going to be on the reality TV show Survivor: pay close attention to this article because it may just win you a million dollars someday. Or at the very least, stop you from looking like a total idiot on national
Dear Brett Favre: You are a drama queen. Eat a bag of shit. Dear Miss California USA Carrie Prejean: There's nothing wrong with posing topless.