Open Letters | Page 4 | Points in Case

Tag: Open Letters

I am going into hiding. Do not approach me or say anything that could incriminate me in other crimes, especially new ones.

Miss Manners will endeavor to offer advice which she hopes will help you be the perfect guest at your knife fight, and as well as keep you alive.

Is this yet another quarrel with your wife about your infidelity? Or an ass-backwards attempt to punish a blasphemous hero?

For starters, you named your dog Sausage. If your dog was a dachshund, this moniker might make sense.

I know one of you grown adults would never leave exploded beef stroganoff all over the microwave.

The person who left the initial voicemail saying, “Come to the lab immediately?” That’s Dave 7.

Our Tallest 2nd Grader: I mean, have you seen this kid? He can even spell “tyrannosaur.” Anyway, he’ll be teaching AP Bio.

They say your education is the one thing nobody can take away from you, but I implore you to do just that.

There’s something else rapidly becoming the defining issue of our time: the 1985 Iran-Contra affair. And goddamn, I’ve written a movie about it.

Is this just a money thing? Because I have the $5 birthday checks to prove this is a misguided venture.

Here in Human Resources, we are consistently e-applauding each and every one of our hard-working, self-sacrificing rockstars.

If you ate all that, we’re astonished you are alive to read this notice. Your arteries must be as hard as bricks.