I Know People Are Trying to Cut in the Vaccine Line, But I Really Am a Wisconsin Mink Farmer
Don't be fooled by the New York City postmark on this letter -- I'm a Wisconsin mink farmer, born and bred.
Tag: Open Letters
An Open Letter to Fall Out Boy Regarding All the Incorrect Lyrics I’ve Been Singing for the Last Decade and a Half
Now, I’ll admit. I knew the words that I was singing were not in fact “words.” They were more like syllables strung together.
An Open Letter from a Can of Soup Fed Up with a One-Sided Relationship
I just sit in the kitchen cupboard waiting until the next time you show up unexpectedly after months of neglect with your puffy eyes and runny nose.
Why I, the City of New York, Will Not Be Appearing in the “Sex and the City” Revival
Would you watch a show about a sex columnist in Pocatello? Without me as the backdrop, it’s just white women complaining.
An Open Letter to the Guy Who Receives Self-Help Tips from the Pornhub Comment Section
We sympathize that you've lost “thousands of comments I need to get through the daily existential dread,” we have a moral obligation to protect our users.
A Letter from Uncle Steve in Hell: It’s Always January
In Hell, it’s always January, filled with dead Christmas trees and hungover souls bearing an extra fifteen post-holiday pounds.
On the Dangerous Rise of Oat Milk, From Almond Milk
I had hoped the craze would die out before needing to call an emergency meeting at the alternative milk headquarters, the Portland Trader Joe's.
Dear Man Sitting Near Me at the Airport Picking His Nose and Eating His Boogers During a Pandemic
Do you really need to pull your neck gaiter down at the JetBlue gate and start spelunking your nostrils right then and there?
In Defense of Gap Years… Unless You Want to Hire Me
A gap year will help to make me the man I want to be. Unless you are planning to hire me, in which case: STOP READING. GIVE ME THE JOB.
A Request from the 9 Tabs You’ve Had Open Since July
We know you opened us with the best of intentions but let’s be honest, if you haven’t read us by now you never will.
Happy New Year from Murder Hornets, LLC!
2020 was one of the most exciting years in hornet history, as we continued our westward expansion into North America.
An Open Letter to the Director of This Year’s Nightmares
Compared to 2020’s real-life plague, threat of fascist coup, and so on, your work has suffered from a lack of terrifying imagination.