You’re Caught in a Bear Trap? I’m Not Falling for That Again
“I am caught in this bear trap and I’m in grave danger” is one of the oldest tricks in the book. Tight up there with “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”
Tag: Pain
As Your Dentist, I’m Required to Floss You So Hard That Your Soul Leaves Your Body
Now that I’ve got maximum hold of the floss, I will dig it into your gums so hard that your teeth feel loose.
The Golden Ticket Survivors Support Group
For everyone telling me to get over it? Remember that I was juiced! As a child!
As the Man Who Cooked This Hanukkah Dinner, I’m Best Suited to Deal with This Salmonella Outbreak
A brief mea culpa from me: as the lone cook of this dinner, I cannot help but feel that I have to bear at least some responsibility for this.
You Know Something, Brother?! I Think We Can Settle This Another Way
I was wondering if we could do this another way. Maybe one that doesn’t require rolling on broken glass or literally lighting each other on fire?
Prepare for Your Mouth’s Ecosystem to Be Decimated by Our Daring New Doritos Flavors
Everyone’s favorite sauce now in chip form! Hot Hot Hollandaise has a triple dose of cayenne for a thoroughly throat-scorching encounter.
I’m Paul’s Bunion
When Paul cried as a child, and his tears created the Great Lakes, it was because of me, the bunion pressing in on his other toes.
I Want to Kill My Cell Phone
I want to feed my cell phone to an alligator without causing the alligator any digestive issues.
Welcome to the Stages of Grief Expansion Pack!
Podcasting: In your 2 AM hunt for distraction, you stumble on a fun fact. Did you know that platypuses are blue and green under ultraviolet light?
I’d Like to Be Considered for the Role of James Bond
Instead of a 007 who is handsome, smooth, and combat-trained, what if we went with a 40-year-old guy who is allergic to bees.
We Have Reached the Summit of Our 6-Mile Hike and Behold: Trees!
On this side, perhaps a breathtaking view of a rugged mountain range soaring up majestically in the distance? Nope, just trees.
Things That I, a Millennial Born in the ’90s, Would Rather Do than Make a Phone Call
- Repeat grades six and seven, objectively my most awkward years - Untangle holiday lights - Menstruate for an entire month