If Fighting Climate Change Means Slowing Down the Surging Wild Pig Population, Count Me Out
Good news… feral pigs are now in 39 states. Thank you, climate change! You spoil us with this superabundance of invasive swines.
Tag: Pain
There’s a Monster Living in My Butt and He Won’t Let Me Eat Dairy
He sounded just like Danny DeVito. He spun in a circle three times fast and jumped right back up in my butt-hole. I didn't even feel it.
Must-See Second-Rate National Heritage Sites for Your Next Roadtrip
Battlefield Of Nothing Special: where our nation’s soldiers duked it out for no good reason, and left a legacy that no one can put their finger on.
Emeline, Please Respond, For the Squid’s Power Only Grows
An orange squid has entered my dreams, watching me practice my ascending spin and barrel sculls with languid disinterest. I cannot banish him.
FAQ: How Our Company Will Change Under the Leadership of the Mysterious, Cloaked Men
Q; What happened to Leonard? A: Leonard was catapulted through a vibrating and glowing door frame into a space between dimensions.
What Your Smoke Alarm is Really Trying to Say
Three slower, sarcastic beeps: Random malfunction with tons of rhyme and reason, none of which will be revealed to you or any professional electrician.
How Bugs Kill Themselves
I know this is sugarcoated for the sake of elementary school curriculums but caterpillars do not transform into butterflies. They die in there.
Be the Housesitter: Mitski’s Housesitting Instructions
I’ve made up the bed for you with clean sheets. All of my greatest wishes and darkest thoughts have laid across my mattress.
I’m a Game of Thrones Character: Ask Me Anything
A prophecy that predicted the deaths of all three of my children was recently fulfilled, but I look fierce as hell in this pixie cut, AMA.
Eight Reasons Why 2019 is Going to Be a Big Year for My Hometown’s Minor League Baseball Team, The Woodborough Egg Boys
The Tar Pits Behind Third Base Have Been Filled In: The nostalgic need not worry; the sickening smell of sulfur still permeates the entire stadium.
Letters From a Shakesperean Manic Pixie Dream Girl
What can I say? Sometimes I feel like one of the fellows. After all, I’d rather have a turkey leg and mead than vegetables from the garden any day.
“23 and Me” Revealed a Painful Truth: I’m Actually My Parent’s Child
I am the genetic material of two people who cut coupons, enjoy bird watching, and decorate their home with "live, laugh, love!" signs from TJ Maxx.