As Your Primary Care Doctor, I Will Be Happy to See You in Three Weeks When Your Symptoms Have Passed
It’s true that in every other context “primary” means first in order. But words and their ordinary meanings can be misleading.
Tag: Pain
So Who’s the Real Monster in All This?
Who is the real monster here? The tentacled creature lurking in the vapor outside… or were you all the real monster this whole time?
It’s Me, Rudolph, and I’d Love to Stop Reliving My Childhood Trauma Every Christmas
They say time heals all wounds, but that’s only for people who aren’t known by a nickname based on their biggest insecurity.
So No One Else at Game Night Gives a Fuck About Winning?
How about we all start acting like adults and take this seriously? Does your heart not beat for your nation (green)?
The Superhero Known as The Vegan Fends Off Home Invaders
“Vegan! Give us ze classified recipes and ve vill let you live!” The Vegan’s former best friend-turned-nemesis, General Draganov, shouts.
Choosing Your Tinnitus Ringtone
Choose a ringtone that’s right for you, your lifestyle, and your tolerance for the incessant cacophony of crickets inside your head jar.
Mosquitoes Review Me
Great ambiance—enough body hair to afford some privacy but not so much that it gets in the way of your meal.
The Yard Work Will Have to Wait Until I Recover from This Nasty Case of Havana Syndrome
I think I can muster up just enough strength to go put the gardening tools away but that’s about it. Just give me a second while I try to stand up.
Are You in a Kafka Story or on the Phone with a Customer Service Representative?
No one will explain the charge to you, but you are sure it is unjust.
Ancient Runestone Coated in the Blood of Serpents vs. Duolingo
The act of searing the runestone to your forehead for eternity feels clunky compared to Duolingo’s smooth user interface.
On Second Thought, Swallowing My Car Keys to Avoid Getting Carjacked Was Probably a Bad Idea
There's no way I'm going to pass the anchor-shaped keychain I got from my beach trip.
I’m the Bookcase You’re About to Move Upstairs
You ever pick up a felled tree in the woods? Of course you haven’t! That sucker probably weighs 500 pounds! That’s the stuff I’m made of, baby.