Realistic Customer Memories About Toys ‘R’ Us
"But look after I beat the display game, I found my kid and bought an entire shelf of Legos out of guilt. Okay?" ---Victor Andrade (Wichita, KS)
Tag: Pain
Dear Hiring Managers: Please Stop Asking About My Dark Past
You will recall laughing after I cautioned that I had once confessed to a priest only to watch him go straight to hell. I do not recall laughing.
Angry Letters From a Dropped LEGO Block
I was made to bring joy to this world. Now I’m on the floor where I can only bring pain. I fear I am becoming the villain.
Ways to Straight Up Chill with Your Homeboy, Even Though He’s Always Chasing a Cartoon Bird
At a certain point, your homeboy Wile E. must realize there's more to life than trying to murder some bird. Like chilling on a perfect afternoon.
A Healthy Guide for Dealing With Loneliness
Watching other people play video games on YouTube, crying, and masturbating hasn't helped you find anybody yet. So, what's the real problem?
An Open Letter to My Parents Who are Forcing Me to Be an Amateur Standup Comedian When I Just Want to Work in Human Resources
Even though I am pursuing a stable career in human resources, please remember that I will always be your emotionally underdeveloped and insecure son.
Welcome to Amtrak’s “Quiet Car Chopped All-Stars: Fight Club”
The first rule of Amtrak's "Quiet Car Chopped All-Stars: Fight Club" is: Kindly shut the fuck up about everything. Enjoy bare-knuckle chef combat.
If Trump Won’t Protect Trans Kids, My Ninja Weapons and I Will
When the lives of countless transgender children are at stake, I've no choice but to raise aloft my twin sai and declare, "Fearmongers, beware!"
The Top Ten “The Only Black Dude” Black Dudes in Movies
Celebrating the memory of those black guys who went it alone, fighting against oppression, while also fighting werewolf cops or whatever.
4 Ways for Audiophiles to Drown Out the Sounds of a Dying Cat
Four ways to trade those painful, meowy gasps for quality, pounding synths, whether you're a hip-hop head, a folk fanatic, or a sensitive Nancy.
My Surreal Childhood Bullies
An examination of the lasting damage that can occur when your grade school bullies are influenced by Salvador Dali.
Everyone Ignored the Warning in My Lyrics, Now “Cotton Eye Joe” is Killing Again
Cotton Eye Joe killed my fiancé, and I tried to warn you about him by weaving the truth of his existence into the lyrics of a popular dance song.