Relax, I Was Only Hospitalized Because My Bookie’s Hired Goon Shot Me Three Times
I was not leaving my house, both to avoid getting infected with COVID-19 and to avoid running into Joey “Iron Fists” Cachatolli.
Tag: Pain
Break a Leg! (And an Arm. And a Hip)
We were dance partners for five years? And then you ditched me. But hey, no hard feelings. I’m not jealous. Not one tiny bit.
Due to Concerns over Coronavirus, I’ve Decided to Postpone My Personal Revenge
We could brawl, and you might get off a few gunshots or blows into my ripped torso, but you can't make me take off work for two weeks.
Laffy Taffy Jokes Written by a Bitter Divorcé
Q: Why did the lizard’s wife leave him? A: He had e-reptile dysfunction / Q: Why did Karen cross the street? A: To sleep with her boss
Every Day I Pray Someone Will Shit in the Pool
I am a swim coach for kids. That’s right, I spend my shifts in a cesspool of germs and boogers.
Enough Is Enough: My Son Wanted to Burn a Wooden Effigy in My Likeness While Reciting Satanic Incantations, So I Told Him to Please Take It Outside
The 2 things I love most are corduroys with ridges so deep that you can slide a can of Coors Light in there, and making sure my son thinks I’m cool.
A Letter of Appreciation for “One Headlight” by the Wallflowers
People will call you a monster, and in a way, they’ll be correct: you are a monster---a monster fucking hit.
Questions You, My Spouse, Are Likely to Have about My Brave Decision to Start a Podcast
"For real, what will it cost?" Well, it's not a cost per se, but there is will be a very small upfront investment… just to start.
I Ate Nothing but Gummy Worms for a Month and Here’s What Happened
Day Two: To smooth things over with my girlfriend, I write "You'll always be my Number One worm" in gummies on the kitchen floor.
Valentine’s Day Date Ideas for You and Your Seasonal Affective Disorder
Treat your Valentine to a fancy restaurant just the way it likes: put off making a reservation as long as possible so all restaurants are booked!
To the Man Selling His Dead Baby’s Shoes
What on earth caused you to decide that the appropriate response to this tragedy was selling your dead baby's shoes in the local newspaper?
13 Things I, a 33-Year-Old Man with Zero Interest in Football, Find More Exciting to Watch at a Super Bowl Party Than the Game
Janice and Mark’s whisper-fights about their upcoming incomplete wedding plans. They’ve been engaged for 7 years now.