I’m Your Canned Vodka Soda Beverage and I Want You for Breakfast Too, Baby
I see you eyeing my cylindrical figure before your 10 AM Zoom call. I’m tall and light with perfect slender curves that a V-8 could only dream of.
Tag: Pandemic
In These Difficult Times, Bank of America Is Here to Help You Pay Us the Money You Owe Us
One thing you don't have to worry about is how much money you owe us, because we keep track of the exact amount so you don't have to.
My Four-Phase Plan to Reopen My Work Email
Get Out of Bed: In this first phase, caution is the name of the game. I can't take any risks that could lead to a second wave of weekend lethargy.
A Wallet Laments Getting No Ass in Quarantine
Week after week, the routine never varies. Tim wakes up, reaches for idiotic iPhone, eats Cheez-Its, and sits on his sweet ass without me.
Conversations I’d Rather Have Than the One Where We Talk About How Quarantine Has Made Us Lose Track of What Day It Is
The one where I try to explain to my conservative step-father who doesn’t see color that calling protestors "thugs" is racist.
7 Radically Different Things You Can Do Outside During a Pandemic
Strutting is like strolling but you're more posed and thoughtful. Pretend you're a woman in any 1950's film, that's strutting.
Dear Men Who Have Discovered Parenting Is Hard and Are Being Paid to Write About It
As for the accusations of exploiting your children for money, well, times are tough and you need to provide however you can during this uncertainty.
No, I Didn’t Break Quarantine to Have a Sex Party
I heard one radio report suggest that there were flashing lights and loud music. My electricity is slightly faulty and caused momentary outages.
Please Maintain 6 Feet of Social Distance as We, the Cops, Box You in from All Sides
That’s a “you” problem. We’re just here to box you in, we’re not here to tell you how to uphold your civic duty to not harm others.
Harry Potter and the Semester from Home
“Young ladies and gentlemen, meet Finnius Fletcherbottom, head professor of our newest department, necessary this year, Wizarding IT!”
What People Are Saying Now, More Than Ever, During the Pandemic
Now, more than ever: people you’ve never been in contact with are saying, “There are still ways we can stay connected.”
I’m Queen Elsa from the “Frozen” Broadway Show and I’m Here to Announce Your Company’s Hiring Freeze
Thank goodness I’m still booking kindergarten graduations and Mormon cosplay through Cameo.