Happy Birthday to My Father, Who Is Not on Social Media and Thus Will Never See This
I’ll try to bring a present. But really, isn’t the inevitable boost in social clout you and I will get from this post worth more than any gift?
Tag: Parents
’90s HR Video Sexual Harasser or My Mom?
You have such nice legs. I’m glad you’re finally wearing something that shows them off. / You didn’t even notice my new slacks. Do you like them?
Ken Burns Presents: Letters from the Privileged Quarantine Homefront
Dear Ma, It's bad out there. The Trader Joe's frozen aisle was completely decimated: no cauliflower crust pizza in sight.
Chekhov Quotes, or Texts from Dad during a Global Pandemic?
There is nothing more awful, insulting, and depressing than banality. / We can’t watch Netflix if you’re already watching Netflix.
Things You Say When Trying to Get Your Partner to Give You an Orgasm, or When Trying to Get Your Toddler to Wash Their Hands?
No, you can’t go get a few toys. Last time you left them lying around and I had to clean them up. / Here, can I just… let me help you.
Horoscopes from Your Mother
As your Venus begins to fade you may be feeling like you're losing control of your life. A man can really help with that.
Our Ancestors Didn’t Escape the Pharaoh in Egypt for You to Do Nothing with Your Life
Karpas --- Eating the Green Vegetable: Is this the first vegetable you’ve had all month? We raised you better than to eat all that junk food.
Things My 16-Year-Old Is Capable and Seemingly Incapable of Doing
CAPABLE: Coordinating and implementing first person shooter strategy and tactics / SEEMINGLY INCAPABLE: Separating laundry
No, You Can’t Be the Leader of Post-Apocalyptic Earth
Buckaroo, it’s time to pack away the silly stuff and focused on what you might actually achieve before the ice caps melt and we have to build an ark.
9 Things to Tell Daughters They Can Be Without Going to Hell for Lying
A struggling WNBA player - Of course, your daughter can absolutely be the best point guard in the WNBA! / Probably bisexual - Give her to age 25.
Memo from Jesus: Read the Father’s Manual
Just yesterday, Sabrina summoned me. “Jesus!” she exclaimed. It sounded important so I flew over, only to find her reading the news on her phone.
Job Hunting Tips to Find Your Next Exploiter, I Mean, Employer
In exchange for $0 an hour, disillusionment, and occasional sexual harassment, you get a letter of recommendation and two bullet points on a resume.