How My Mother Believed I Was Destined to Die as a Teenager
Becoming macaroni and cheese, a lifeless foodstuff, after too many consecutive meals of macaroni and cheese. / Aneurysm upon seeing a boob on HBO.
Tag: Parents
A Valedictorian Speech Composed Entirely of Staircase-Wit Comebacks
I wish I had said that. Instead, I broke into an ugly cry and stumbled from the room, having jammed a big toe on the life-sized skeleton model.
Memo Regarding My Employment at Guilt-Centric Religion of My Childhood, Inc.
Unfortunately, I can no longer continue in my role as Associate Proselytizer, as I disagree with many of the Company's policies and decisions.
I’m Your Local Craft Brewery, And I’m Inviting You to Bring Your Kids Over and Get Hammered in the Daytime
Feel free to make your kids play Connect Four while you pound some Child Hopbandonment, my extra-high-ABV double IPA.
Glossary of Science and Technology Terms You Were Afraid to Ask About
Facial Recognition System – Mental procedure of sorting through possible names for an acquaintance one encounters at the grocery store.
When Children Try to Write Adult Fiction
"What is your job?" Wilmott said. "I work in an office," said Gorge. "My boss keeps turtles in a tank. Sometimes I have to feed them."
Cancelling Teddy Roosevelt’s Elementary School Gym Class
It's just that you've brought too much of that raw, "I survived a war where they still used horses" spirit to your position here.
How to Yell at Fox News Coverage of the 2020 Democratic Candidates Without Upsetting Your Republican Relatives
Ugh! Bernie Sanders’ Medicare For All plan is just TOO good! Where does this guy get off inspiring a grassroots movement toward economic equality?
I Am a Character in a Dystopian Novel, and I Think Your World Kind of Sucks
To be fair, at least you know your “vote” counts as much as everyone else’s, whereas in our system---Wait, the electoral what?!
Do You Want to Marry Him or Do You Just Want His Mother to Ruin the Next 25 Years of Your Life?
You hope to start a family because... A) You want to have babies with him. B) You want to raise your children under her shadow government.
An Ode to the Lost Week
Maybe you’ve returned to your normal life and are back at work, arriving to a ghost town at 10 AM, taking a two-hour lunch, and leaving by 3 PM.
“Today I Am a Woman” by Brittany Katz, Capo De Tutti Capi of the Larchmont Middle School District
I've informed the top girls in junior high and below that you can speak for me in all but the most sensitive matters. Welcome to the big show, ladies