A Hip Dad’s Guide to Befriending the Server
The main responsibility of any dad in a restaurant is to spout off a consistent stream of comedy gold. So many antics!
Tag: Parents
We Will Be Holding Another Bikini Car Wash to Raise Money for All the Horny Boys Who Bit Their Index Finger Knuckles off during the Last Bikini Car Wash
I know what you're thinking: how do you think holding another bikini car wash is appropriate when we haven’t cleaned up the blood from the last one?
Sure, My Parents May Be the King and Queen of a Small Country, But I’m Not the Least Bit Privileged
People tell me I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth, but that’s not true at all. It was bronze.
Welcome to Your Life as My Child!
Welcome to your life! You’ve been lucky enough to draw the sought after white, middle-class, dual-working parent scenario.
5 Ways to Answer the Question, “But Where Are You Really From?”
Humorous: Suggest, as a possible place of origin, "Yo momma’s ass." Smile to indicate that you are "just kidding."
Pretending to Be a Dad so Other Parents Don’t Get Jealous of Your Baller Childless Lifestyle
Delete all the photos on your social media that indicate you ever had a life before children. Replace them with a solid wall of photos of your kids.
Godzilla vs. Empty Nest Syndrome
Minilla plods off, leaving Monster Island by himself. Godzilla chokes back his atomic ray as he remembers the first time he laid eyes on him.
An Oral History of Todd’s Hot Pocket Disaster of 2018
Rose* (Human Resources Officer, 1999-Present): He walked into this office on his very first day with that Hot Pocket.
Qualities I Require in a Lunch Box for My Child
Self-cleaning. Enchanted with spell that bewitches child into consuming lunch regardless of fiber content. Doubles as USCG-approved flotation device.
I’m a Boomer Mason Jar, and Millennial Mason Jars are Ruining the Country
These Mason jars today---all they do is hang around waiting for some kid to go on Pinterest and search “rustic chic wedding.”
Leonardo DiCaprio Quote or the Last Thing I Said Before Getting Slapped in the Face By My Good-Time Gal at Lover’s Lane
When a role for a young guy is being offered to me, I think of River Phoenix. It feels like a loss.
I Refuse to Be the Only One Responsible for Mom’s Birthday Present
I don’t need to remind you about the “Flower Pot Fiasco," the “Macaroni Art Disaster," or the “I Thought It Wasn’t Until Next Month” flop.