I Am the Middle-Aged Jumper at the Trampoline Park Who’s Definitely Not Too Old for This
Oh-kaay. This hurts a little. The spring-bound polypropylene surface feels more solid upon impact than I expected.
Tag: Parents
Yuppie Wedding Announcement Written by a Bitter Maid-of-Honor
The couple described the aesthetic of the reception venue as farmhouse chic. Notably, the bridesmaids were dressed as mason jars.
Various Life Crises You Will Undergo
Quarter of a Quarter Life Crisis: Age 6. You will cope by throwing tantrums before bedtime and refusing to share your trucks with Jeremy.
As an Old and Bitter Movie Critic, I’m Finding Third-Act Problems in My Own Life
My life—the sophomore outing by parents William and Eloise Cunningham—begins confidently enough in suburban Nebraska.
Other Things Elizabeth Warren Has a Plan For
Paying for that improv class. Paying for single-payer healthcare. Getting back together with Jeff. Convincing Jeff to come to your improv show.
An Apology for Not Drinking at the Party Last Night
Waking up this morning without a hangover was a total bummer, and I fully regret making a conscious decision to do so.
Stages of Grief That You, A Prospective Homeowner, Will Have to Process Before Accepting Your Fate and Becoming a Mole Person
Obsession: Refresh Zillow every three minutes. Ignore texts from your friends. Optimize your meals by blending your food & sipping it from a thermos.
Of Course I’m Sure I Want to Look “That Sexy” in My Ancestry.com Profile Pic
No, I am not studying genetic science in order to determine whether I can safely hook up with any of my 5th or 6th cousins! Geez.
How “Reservoir Dogs” Helped Me Overcome the Generational Trauma of My Snitch Family
The men and women in my family took to snitching. My grandfather was known as the Irish Elvis because he would sing to the cops about anything.
Shout-Outs to All the Special Guys Exhibiting Common Human Decency
How about a round of applause for the Starbucks barista who didn’t ask what else I like strong and hot on a summer afternoon.
A Plea to Raise the Millennial Stay Ceiling
It appears you believe I am actually leaving in a few days. This is not accurate. These ceiling deals are always a bit of a work in progress.
Traditional High School Anniversary Gifts
1 Month: A Cherry Lifestyle Condom: A month in high school is basically a decade in real people years, so it’s time to take things to the next level.