I Am Your Hopes and Dreams, Why Are You So Obsessed With Me?
Now I heard you’re even talking about me in therapy? I was hoping you’d move on by now, since you’re in your mid-thirties and all.
Tag: Parents
The Ultimate “Before Climate Change Ruins the Planet” Bucket List
Accidentally kill yourself on a snorkeling adventure you’re not trained for to see the coral reefs before they, too, go to be with the lord.
The Person Who Asks If You’re About to Cry
Cheryl senses my sadness/frustration/anger/anything-cry-worthy-even-if-it’s-just-a-movie and will suddenly be on my doorstep with brownies in hand.
A Response to Allegations of Cookie Stealing in the Post-Truth Era
The crumbs on my face, the milk mustache, the hand entirely within the cookie jar—these are all circumstantial and prove nothing. NO COOKIE!
What Your Smoke Alarm is Really Trying to Say
Three slower, sarcastic beeps: Random malfunction with tons of rhyme and reason, none of which will be revealed to you or any professional electrician.
7 Mother’s Day Gifts That Mom Won’t Like or Use
Diamonds might be a girl’s best friend, but a heart-shaped blurry photo on printer paper is her other best friend.
Mother’s Day Breakfast Recipes Any Kid Can Cook
Appetizer: Meat Yogurt -- What's the one thing moms love more than fruit? Duh, it's yogurt!
New Employee Handbook for the Public Pool Snack Bar
All lifeguards are entitled to one free snack per day. In exchange, all snack bar employees are entitled to one free rescue per day. Make it count.
Hi! I’m Calling About Your Student Loan Payments, You Fucking Deadbeat Loser!
Are able to pay today? No? That seems crazy to us, because money falls out of the sky and everybody wins the lottery at least twice a year.
Ransom Note From a Kidnapper Who Just Took a Creative Writing Class
We stormed into your backyard like Viking hordes, and heaved your precious boy into a burlap sack, the rough fibers scratching his tousled hair.
Shady Hills Youth Soccer Club’s U-8 Girls Team is Not Meant to Be Fun
A 6-2 record with one game left? With five players training at Elite, we should be undefeated. Heck, we should shut out every team in this league.
A Helicopter Mom Delivers a Heartfelt Promposal
You kids have so much in common. He loves dogs, too. He just can’t be in the same room with them. He’s highly allergic. To everything.