I’m the Protagonist of a British Rom-Com and My Dear, I’ve Been Lying to You
I can't marry you into the Dukedom of Wellington: my parents are not the Duke and Duchess of Wellington. They're the Duke and Duchess of Devonshire!
Tag: Parents
The Strange Life of a Costco Food Sample
I recently heard from Fox News that two men ages 70 and 72 fought over free cheese at a Costco in South Carolina.
A 49-Year-Old’s Thoughts While Walking the Dog
Maybe I’ll save a kid from drowning by jumping from a bridge. A local hero, on the news...wait, no one under 70 watches the news: trend on Twitter.
11 Reasons Why I Survived the Titanic Disaster
If I had made it through the dramatic events of that April night, I would have died anyway since the last Titanic survivor passed away in 2009.
A Letter to Willy Wonka from Mrs. Bucket
My son only talks about candy lately, as though there is nothing more to running a business than coming up with colorful and dangerous food for kids.
Things Are Going Really Well For Me
I'm web famous! A viral video of me got over 2.5 million views. Look up, “total dipshit can’t find toilet in changing room, gives up, PEES himself.”
The Case for Watching “Three Men and a Baby” and “Baby’s Day Out” Back to Back
Baby vs. Single Men is the quintessential conflict of the time period, driving at the heart of America’s anxieties around wealth, gender, and cocaine.
New Protests Groups Like Antifa You Can Join
Antipopop: This organization protests the use of the nickname "Poppi" for "grandfather," as well as the variants "Pop Pop," "Bop Bop," and "Boppie."
Your New Stress Reducing, Anxiety Relieving, Weighted Blanket
My parents got me this as a housewarming gift but I still live with them. Does this mean they want me to move out?
Announcing Our Official Decision Regarding Whether or Not to Have Children
Relatedly, I’m currently embroiled in a legal battle to divorce myself from my siblings to guarantee that I cannot be made an uncle against my will.
The Modern Day Dinosaurs That Plague America
Because of the shape of their heads, turtles spend much of their lives looking down on whatever’s in front of them. Similar to: White people.
Here is the Ancient Ritual You Must Follow If You Wish to Quit the Football Team
A rapidly disintegrating map will be given to you as you step out of the self-reflection pod. It will lead you to the Sewer of Quitters.