For Sale: Baby Shoes, Never Worn, Wife Says They Have to Go
I wish my kid could keep the shoes, but my wife got really annoyed about the whole "$120" thing. Happy wife, happy life, am I right?
Tag: Parents
A Sneak Peek at R.L. Stine’s Newest Goosebumps Book
Goosebumps books have captivated young readers for generations. Here's a sample from the latest entry in the beautifully written series.
10 Signs That Make Me Think My Dad Took Me to Home Depot Instead of Disney World Like He Promised
I first became suspicious of my supposed 8th birthday trip to Disney after seeing tons of balding men and refrigerators, and no sign of Mickey Mouse.
Parents Need Better Access to Affordable Child Pageants
Expensive these days, having kids and taking care of them. It's hard for parents out there without easy access to affordable child pageants.
Traveling Back in Time and Making It So I Was Never Born Has Put a Serious Strain on My Marriage
In my quest to pitch "The King of Queens" a year before Kevin James could, I accidentally interrupted my parents' first date, thus ruining my marriage.
Customer Review: Product Blew Up Grandmother
I noticed that when my grandmother powered on her MXB39FLB7 it made a series of uncharacteristic clicking sounds prior to her detonation.
5 Ways to Get Your Newborn to Fall Asleep While Dane Cook Waits in Your Living Room to Make Out
A stupid newborn baby wailing away doesn't care that you're about to make out with the King of Sting himself. Here's how to shut that brat up.
Elf on the Shelf Captain’s Log
The kids seem to want a chemistry kit, an iPhone, and a Kylie Jenner lip-gloss contraption. Santa will be furious with their capitalistic greed.
5 Distracting Topics to Bring Up While Your Family Opens Your Shitty Gifts
Did you hear my kindergarten teacher Mrs. Applebaum passed away? She was only 67. Really makes you appreciate that Halloween mug, doesn't it?
What the Commercials During “Days of Our Lives” Say About You, the Pathetic Daytime Viewer
The three most frequent commercials running during Days of Our Lives, and their insulting implications for you, the lazy sack of shit on the sofa.
Son, You’re Going to Have to Tell Me More About This Guy You Saw Mommy Kissing Underneath the Mistletoe Last Night
First of all, son, I'm not angry with you for peeking downstairs. I just want you to tell Daddy more about the man you saw Mommy kissing, okay?
Merry Christmas From the Millers to All You Fuckers
Sue grew into her breasts last year and is now popular with the boys, but she is self-identifying as Asian which is also confusing the boys.