Dear Elon Musk, When Will AI Let Me Force Choke My Disobedient Children?
When will your muscle movement bracelets become widespread? And more importantly, will I be able to fit my children with them before I am driven to insanity?
Tag: Parents
The Handmaid’s Tale is Especially Scary For Me Because I’m Rich and White
Offred was forced to have sex with the commander again in front of his wife. Who treats white women like that!? Ugh, it was so terrible, because that like literally is my life.
7 Reasons Why “Cars 3” Might Bring Back My Dad
It was three tragic hit and runs that took my father away from us. And if my dad was killed by three cars, shouldn't Cars 3 be able to bring him back?
Why Won’t My Grandpa Shut Up About Vietnam and Do Something About Global Warming?
Climate change wouldn't be such a big deal, Grandpa, if you'd stop telling me stories about enemy brush fire and start recycling.
5 Players Who Should Be Pitching Tonight Instead of My Stepson Damien
It seems like Coach Johnson is completely willing to jeopardize the season by starting my stepson Damien, noted for embarrassingly once giving up 8 runs in a half inning.
Feelin’ the Burn! I Tried Carrie Underwood’s New Leg Workout and My Father is Still Dead
I can see the results in the tone of my legs, and the guilt of being 100% responsible for the pontoon boat accident that took my father's life is now an easier cross to bear.
Can You Identify Which Artist Named Drake Left This Tour Rider Behind?
In order to respect the artist's privacy, I can't disclose his/her name. However, I can describe in detail the piece of paper I found outlining their tour requests.
I Don’t Know How Else to Say This Kids, But Your Mom and I Need to Divorce You
Kids, there is never a good time to say this, but since it's Father's Day and you're both standing here without rolling your eyes for once, I guess now is good enough: we're divorcing you.
The Perfect Mother’s Day Bath Gift Basket to Make Up for the Disappointment You Have Become
Nothing says "thank you for sacrificing your hopes and dreams" like a mass-produced basket that's 80% tissue paper filling. It's what your mom would have wanted. She always puts you first!
I’d Love to Get Eaten
If I got eaten, nobody would be sour on me anymore. They’d use words like “valiant” to describe my life and valiant death.
5 INCREDIBLE Fashion Tips From Your Dad
You gotta have two belts: a formal one for funerals and weddings, and an everyday belt, no fewer than five years old, and TOTALLY SHOWING ITS AGE.
Will Someone Please Sleep With My Son?
My son is sick, and he needs your help. You see, there is only one way to cure him of the disease known as virginity: you must have sex with him.