Am I Turning Into My Dad?
"My head is too big to fit into women's frames," I told the eyecare associate. "But it’s still not big enough to break the glass ceiling."
Tag: Parents
My Dad’s Six Simple Steps to Painting a Room on Sunday
Listen Todd, the best way for me to help you paint your kid's nursery today is to use my dad's advice to me as a kid.
Six DIY Cialis Halloween Costumes for the Res-Erected Dad
Oil derricks are typically monochromatic, so eliminate the hassle of cutting a hole in your pants by just going naked. Pound a Cialis with a few shots of tequila.
5 Weekend Woodworking Projects for a Medieval Father and Son
There's no better way to impress on a young boy the timeless lesson of impermanence than the gallows. Then move on to a ballista or siege tower!
Study Shows Toddler Misbehavior Designed to Prepare Parents for Zombie Apocalypse
A study of 200,000 toddlers, conducted by scientists at Barnard College over 15 years, has determined that toddlers misbehave to prep their parents for doomsday scenarios.
I Am Your Father’s Man Cave
When your dad turned 48, he felt a helpless desperation welling up in his chest. Now, this giant marble sculpture of Dolph Lundgren's abs fill the void.
Five Places I’ve Had to Call My Mother From on Her Birthday
I've been arrested for protesting clear-cutting and punching a security guard in the dick. When my Mom answers, she asks why the caller ID says "Humboldt County Jail."
“Amazon Prime Baby” Eliminates Barriers to Parentry
Amazon Prime Baby uses an algorithm designed to evaluate parental fitness based on Amazon order history as a means to simplify the process of infant acquisition.
This Goddamn Computer is Going to Save Our Family
1946 is going to be a good year for us, my blessed family. Because with the last of our savings I've purchased us a state of the art home computer!
My Favorite Moments of Family Holiday Chaos
Famarchy: The (arguably amusing) utter chaos into which your offbeat loved ones inevitably descend within the first 12-18 hours of each ill-fated reunion.
10 Tips for New Moms and Strippers
It’s here, the moment you’ve been dreading and looking forward to for what feels like forever: your first day on the job at the strip club, or…you’ve just gone into labor.
Adulting: You’re Doing It Wrong
I realized that there really is no set code, instruction booklet, or manual on how to be an adult, we're all just winging it. Here are four truths everyone faces though.