An Open Letter to My Agent on Why I’m Done Writing Erotica
I know I've been the best selling erotica author for the past decade, but Diane has been up my ass lately, and Billy is almost four now. Time to move away from lust.
Tag: Parties
Statistically Speaking, Most Accidents Happen in the Home… My Home
Just last Thursday I was entertaining over 50,000 guests at my bi-weekly “Salute to Bear Traps,” which was meant to be just a fun, casual, and accident-free celebration. Oops.
10 Dos and Don’ts for Finding a Handgun in the Living Room After a College Party
There might not even be a crime to convict you of, but this is not the time to assume there isn’t. Absolutely DO NOT get your fingerprints on it.
Evite to Kim Jong-Un’s Birthday Party
As you guys know, our friend, companion, Supreme Autocrat, and dynamite singer Kim Jong-Un is having a birthday in a few weeks. What are you guys' thoughts on a party?
You’re 33, I’m Not Coming to Your Half-Birthday Party
My niece is seven, and half-birthday parties are barely acceptable for her. And she’s a goddamn princess. Are you a princess, Lou?
Jacob and Esther’s Realistic Wedding Agenda
Jacob and Esther each found their soulmates, and they each happened to work at the same place as each other. Isn't God the best?
Mixer Helps Lonely Man Finally Surpass Father
A spur-of-the-moment party saves desperate, lonely man Danny Aleman from social oblivion and family patheticism.
10 Ways to Use the Holidays to Harness the Power You Can’t Get From Your Horrible Job
A holiday party is the perfect opportunity to quiet your anxiety and self-loathing by making others say "How does she do it?!"
35th Annual RC Cola Office Halloween Party Costume Competition
Middle age adults temporarily embrace a facade of youth by dressing as ironically humorous characters while battling unironic mid-life crises.
Invite People You Don’t Like to Your Super Bowl Party
Make sure there is tension and discomfort between every person you invite that has either never been addressed or won’t be resolved.
An Oral History of My DIY Children’s Party Venue
Lucas' DIY Children's Playhouse brought children with new ideas together to celebrate their birthdays in an "anything goes" environment, where do-it-yourself culture thrived.
My 10-Year College Reunion Weekend
Welcome to reunion weekend. Come catch up with people who didn't make an effort to stay in touch, but claim to love you nonetheless.