Please Listen Carefully as Our Menu Options Have Changed, and Also I Have This New Screenplay Idea
For new patients, let me tell you about the opening scene. We fade in on a beach, sand caked with blood being washed away by the waves!
Tag: Phones
iPhone Screen Time Reports I Actually Need
You scrolled your own Instagram profile for 3 hours last week. You will never get that time back.
Emergency Public Services, Now with Corporate Sponsorship
Pop open a bottle today. It’s guaranteed to take your mind off the waterspout that’s currently ripping the roof off your neighbor’s house.
Teens Need to Put Down Their Phones and Get Hunted by Me, a Masked Killer
I appreciate the new possibilities social media has created, but I worry about what they’re missing out on.
I Went to a Concert and Took a Bunch of Terrible Videos for Us to Watch Together Right Now
Just imagine the most unbelievable venue design I’ve ever seen is right behind his bald, moon-shaped head.
Emily, This Is Your Bank That Cares: You’re Overdrawn, Sweetie
Uh oh, you're back into the ol' overdraft - just two minutes after being paid. Thoughts and, of course, prayers, Emily.
I Took 2,365,912 Selfies This Year, Making Me the Most Photographed Person in the World
I’ve had to take about 6,482 photos of myself every day. I have maxed out 14 used iPhone storage capacities and countless SD cards.
I Want to Kill My Cell Phone
I want to feed my cell phone to an alligator without causing the alligator any digestive issues.
My Cryptic Social Media Posts Will Alarm and Confuse You
“Everything must come to an end.” Did I just tell you I’m dying, or that I finished The Legend of Zelda?
Ten Little Monkeys, the Psychological Thriller
Mama called the Doctor and the Doctor said, “If this is some sort of prank call, it’s not funny. I’m a busy doctor helping patients with real problems.”
Things That I, a Millennial Born in the ’90s, Would Rather Do than Make a Phone Call
- Repeat grades six and seven, objectively my most awkward years - Untangle holiday lights - Menstruate for an entire month
Hi, I’ll Be Your QR Code Menu This Evening
I also thought this was a temp gig until the pandemic was over. Or, well, over enough now, I guess?