Unpopular Options for the iPhone Morning Alarm Sound
Stoned college kids convincing themselves it’s really everyone else who is stoned / A yawn that never ends / Vomit splashing into a toilet
Tag: Phones
An Extensive Guide to Every Remote Control in Our House
The small remote controls the volume and the tall remote controls the channels. We think that one is under the sink.
I Take You to Be My Instagram Husband
We are so blessed to be surrounded by so many awesome brand managers, heads of corporate sponsorships, and marketing coordinators.
Royalty-Free Podcasts So You Don’t Have to Hear Another Quip Ad
Celebrity Talking Over Celebrity: For those of you wondering, what’s that actor from that movie doing these days? Well… it’s this!
The First Baptist Church Christmas Eve Service 2019, Presented by Verizon Wireless
Believers, tonight I bring you good news of unlimited talk and text to the Creator of the universe, powered by America’s best 5G network.
Push Notification from Your Apps or Text from Creepy Ex?
Since you just ate at Taco Bell, you might be interested in knowing you are 8 minutes from home, which is where your toilet is. Traffic is clear.
From a Proud but Contrite Music Snob with a Secret Life to His Daughter in the Event of His Death
I need you to delete my personal Spotify account. As you browse the artists and titles in my library you will see why I need this to happen.
Texts That, in Hindsight, I Probably Shouldn’t Have Responded to with “K”
"You are tearing our family apart." / "Your dog just threw up on my new shoes." / "Can you pick me up a pregnancy test when you’re out?"
Translations of the Text Message “WYD”
“I don’t want to come off as needy so I’ve been sitting on this text for precisely 72 hours since our last hang.”
Prosaic Texts from My Single Dad
Redoing my will tomorrow. I may need your social security number. Don’t text it! / I just watched Get Out. Excellent.
Dr. Seuss’s “Ok Boomer”
He is shortish and bossy, entitled and bold, / but it’s mainly important you know that he’s old.
8 Ways We Can Make Impeachment Hearings More Pow! Bang! Boom!
The members dance in like Ellen: Everyone loves Ellen! She’s the kind of complacent we can all get behind!