I Consider This Jury My Friends
I will not condemn this man to death until this jury promises to come see my band this weekend.
Tag: Editors’ Picks
I Got into Law So I Could Make Up a Nickname and Put It on Billboards
As a child, I looked up at those billboards and marveled at their power. Could you just choose a nickname?
The Book of Genesis, If God Was Creating a Party
And God said, “Let there be great music so none of them talk to each other,” and there was a DJ who worked in finance but DJed on the side.
Finally, Some Representation for Virgins in Politics!
He’ll make sure every American has access to basic libido killers, like subscriptions to the Criterion Channel and graphic tees that say “Mommy’s Little Gamer.”
Actor Bios for Your Town’s Fourth Production of “Shrek: The Musical”
I keep trying to bring up how none of us know our new lines or fit into our new costumes, but Duncan just keeps shouting, “That’s showbiz, baby.”
As a “Short King” Please Understand I Am Duty Bound to the Magna Carta
Con: Quite frequently we will have leave during movie night to oversee the search for knights and an exorcist.
The Letter D Wishes You’d Stop Calling the Alphabet “The ABCs”
“The ABCs” isn’t even a good name. I don’t really see the draw.
Mrs. Benjamin Franklin’s Daily Routine
Attempt to wash as baby breakfasts upon me and Mr. Franklin inquires as to where I’ve hidden his double spectacles; point to spectacles on Mr. Franklin’s face.
Aliens Exist… and They’re Freaking Babes
Atheists say there are no higher powers, but the first time you see a Neptoid’s sponges you’ll realize atheists don’t know shit.
Mom, Can You Come Pick Me Up? The Guys Registered Another Offshore Financial Subsidiary in My Name
I nodded off for like two seconds and woke up to fresh ink stains on my fingers, and a notary public closing his briefcase and heading out the door.
The Ernest Hemingway Cinematic Universe
For the shoes had been created in a supernova by the malevolent god Aernus, and radiated a power that could be worn by no man, let alone a child.
These Are the Shoes That Will Solve Everything
They are also ethically made, but somehow cost $12. These shoes make me look both mature but playful, demure but bold, casual but elegant.