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Tag: Editors’ Picks

I nodded off for like two seconds and woke up to fresh ink stains on my fingers, and a notary public closing his briefcase and heading out the door.

For the shoes had been created in a supernova by the malevolent god Aernus, and radiated a power that could be worn by no man, let alone a child.

They are also ethically made, but somehow cost $12. These shoes make me look both mature but playful, demure but bold, casual but elegant.

It is beyond comprehension to many of us at Spaz headquarters that our new eighty-foot-tall action figure could be the cause of such an accident.

Darkness provides ambiance. Your food will look mysterious. Changing burned-out lightbulbs is a chore we just don’t want to do.

I still have all 327 of your fan letters from 1997--kick-ass Lisa Frank stationary, by the way--and I’m sorry it’s taken so long to respond.

This room also differs from other rooms in the home in that it features multiple bronze Paul Reiser statues bolted directly to the floor.

Okay, first of all: do you know Lisa Rinna? And is she nearby? Ideally I’d be talking to her. We Enlightened Ones worship her as a god.

I’m a notorious 1850s Vaudeville impresario known as “The Dean of Mean.” My top rule for performers is “don’t be a snooze.”

I do not rattle off these projections to inspire fear in the public. But we can no longer expect that IP extracted through traditional processes.

Was the Sun clean, odor-free, safe, and professional in appearance? How satisfied were you with your wait time for the Sun to set?

I learned a lot in my four years as Vice President of Relaxation in the Hygiene Department, I wanted to offer some reasons why I’m departing.